


All We Seem to Do Is Talk About Sex

by midnightskydan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Cheating, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Getting Back Together, M/M, Marijuana, Panic Attacks, Pining, Smut, breakdowns, implied depression, stoner au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:22:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22126306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightskydan/pseuds/midnightskydan
Summary: In which Dan’s got a boyfriend and a tongue piercing, and Phil’s got a weed hookup and an anxiety disorder. In high school, they were labeled “bad influences on each other,” maybe that would never go away.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Original Male Character(s), Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 26
Kudos: 116





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> d&p are the same age in this fic, so imagine 2007 phil and 2011 dan in uni together lol (the choatic gay energy,,,,). 
> 
> phil: gay & weird & creative & making old school phil content 
> 
> dan: awkward & sarcastic & a twink & trying to be a lawyer & suffering 
> 
> thanks sm to @alyxsayssup on tumblr for beta-ing :):)
> 
> ~•~•~
> 
>  **CONTENT WARNING:**  
>  cheating, sex, smoking weed, self-medicating with said weed, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, breakdowns, implied depression, mentions of/allusions to underage sex (age 17), underage marijuana use (age 16-17), breif expression of suicidal ideation

“Why do I even hang out with you?” Dan asked, unprompted. He took a drag of the sloppily-rolled-joint they were currently smoking in the back of Phil’s roommate’s van. Their “stoner van,” as they had begun to call it. 

He laid back lazily, slightly uncomfortable on the cushions of the van’s bench, but not bothered enough to move. The pungent weed smoke hung in the air, and Phil sat beside him. 

“‘Cause I’m more fun than your boring purist of a boyfriend,” Phil replied easily, smirking, and taking back the joint. “And have weed hook ups,” he added. He took a drag deep into his lungs and breathed it out slowly, the thin smoke slipping past his lips and into the air gracefully. It was somewhat satisfying to watch, if Dan was honest. 

Dan sat up a bit. “He’s not a  _ purist _ ,” he said, saying the word with an eye roll, taking the joint back. “He’s just not some deadbeat like you.” Dan giggled, sticking out his tongue, his piercing caught in front of his teeth. 

“Ow. I’m hurt,” Phil replied, placing a hand over his heart. He snorted. “Not a purist, though?” 

Phil had met Dan’s boyfriend in person once or twice. The man had played football in high school. He was picture-perfect in every way. He had abs and broad shoulders and straight teeth. He was hot. He studied fitness and health and planned to become a physical therapist. Dan had met him at a mental health lecture which he thought might be interesting. For someone who was meant to be studying law, Dan did very little of that. 

“Tell me then. Why are you hanging out with me, and not your boyfriend?” Phil asked, grinning. He knew he was being cheeky, and he would continue to act as such, so long as he might get Dan’s cheeks to turn the lightest shade of pink. 

Dan frowned. “Well, I’m not going to get high by myself.” 

“So, it is because your boyfriend’s too boring. Point proven,” Phil said extending his hand for the joint. 

“You’re right annoying, you know,” Dan mentioned, handing it over. 

“You’re annoyed by the truth,” Phil said, taking another hit of the near-done joint. 

“I’m annoyed by you.” 

Phil shrugged, leaning back. He flicked his lighter, lighting and taking yet another drag of the joint before he handed it back to Dan. “So, how’s the sex with Mr. Perfect?” Phil asked. 

Dan coughed on the smoke, dissolving into a coughing fit for a second. “Jesus,” he breathed, as he caught his breath. “What the fuck, Phil?” 

Phil snorted and dissolved into laughter. “What? We’re hanging out, we’re getting high, we might as well talk about your dreary sex life, it’s like a tradition!” 

Dan rolled his eyes, reaching for a bag of crisps beside them. He reached in for a chip. “We aren’t seventeen anymore, Philip.” 

“Ah, but no come back for the dreary thing, I see,” Phil said, aware he was being a smart ass. “Indulge me,” he requested, grinning. 

“You’re a fuckin’ pervert, you know,” Dan said, staring blankly at him and handing back the joint. 

Phil shrugged taking one last careful puff of the joint before putting what was left of it out in an ashtray beside him. 

“I haven’t gotten laid in ages,” Phil whined, leaning back, and sighing dramatically. 

“Huh, no kidding?” Dan replied. 

“Fuck you,” Phil mentioned. “Been busy with school and shit, that’s all. And  _ someone _ keeps talking up all my free time,” he teased, taking a handful of crisps from the bag Dan held. 

“Oh,” Dan mumbled, not quite clear-headed enough to think too much on that. 

Phil shrugged. “It’s not like I mind,” he said, shoving a too-large handful of potato crisps into his mouth. 

“It kinda sucks,” Dan said after a few moments of silence and potato chip crunching. 

Phil furrowed his brow as the noise of crunching potato crisps filled the van. He swallowed. “What does?” 

“The sex,” Dan admitted, looking down. 

Phil snorted. “Oh.” 

Dan shrugged. “I mean it’s not  _ bad _ , it’s just kind of…boring?” 

Phil opened his mouth as if to speak, but Dan shook his head. “Never mind. How’re your classes going?” he asked before Phil could continue the conversation. 

“Pretty good,” Phil said, shrugging. “Nothing of particular interest to report. They did show one of my videos in film, though,” he mentioned, looking down. 

“That, mate, is of interest. My god. Which one?” Dan asked. 

“That one about, like, the end of the universe with Sebastian. Professor said it was good, but I’m sure the entire class was confused as fuck,” he said, giggling. 

“They don’t comprehend your genius. Mere mortals,” Dan joked, giggling. 

“They’ll understand when the robot space mouse melts the Earth and we all suffer fiery deaths,” Phil said. 

Dan burst into laughter. “Mate, what the fuck?” he asked, voice an octave higher. 

Phil burst into giggles alongside him. 

“You’re so fucking weird, oh my god. Why the  _ fuck _ do we hang out?” Dan asked. 

Phil grinned. “Because you got stuck with me after you paid attention to me once,” he admitted with a shrug. 

Dan chuckled, shaking his head. 

~•~•~ 

_ age: 16 _

Dan glanced over again at the new kid. He’d just moved to the school. He wore a black hoodie, black skinny jeans, and black piercings in his ears. This contrasted with the paleness of his skin, which seemed to be getting paler by the moment as Dan continued to look over at him. 

When this kid had entered the class, he’d seemed nervous. Dan found this a little strange, as he seemed intimidating as hell. He had the black hair pushed back, the piercings, and the all black outfit. He was tall and broad, and generally carried himself like he was someone who might punch you in the face for looking at him wrong. Defensive. But, now, he looked caught between fight or flight. 

He looked a lot like Dan, or at least what Dan was attempting to be. The teacher had called him Phil when she introduced him. 

He looked on the verge of being sick as Dan continued to glance over at him. 

The class was being as annoying as usual, talking loudly and saying shit that Dan would confront them about if he cared enough. It seemed that every possible synonym for ‘gay’ was being thrown around like it was nothing, and the teacher was generally being unhelpful. Phil sat at a desk in a corner, looking like he wanted to disappear. Dan had been sneaking glances his way, and his condition seemed to be progressively worsening. 

Suddenly, Phil stood up, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. He made a bit of noise, shoving aside the desk, and a few kids looked over at him, as well as the teacher, but he just walked straight to the door and left. Dan frowned, looking at the teacher who just half-heartedly told the class to get back to their work. 

Dan stood instead, walking out the door as well. He noticed Phil walking quickly toward the back of the school, following him. He caught up to Phil, finding him beside the dumpsters, sat against the wall. He was holding what looked like a small joint, and was trying to light it with a lighter, but his hands were shaking too badly. 

He glanced up when Dan stepped onto the gravel, freezing. “Shit,” Phil said, dropping the lighter. “I—” he attempted to start, but he seemed to lose his voice. 

Dan bit his lip, crouching and picking up the lighter that Phil had dropped. He lit it with a roll of his finger. “Need some help?” he asked quietly. 

Phil seemed too desperate to question, putting the joint to his lips. Dan sat in front of him and held out the lighter, lighting it. Phil took a long drag before pulling it away. His hands were still shaking. 

Dan moved to sit beside him against the wall, ignoring the stench of the dumpsters. He focused instead on the smell of the weed, as Phil took another drag of the joint. 

Dan sat quietly beside him as he continued to smoke, watching as he slowly relaxed, his trembling halted, and his breath started coming easier. 

“Feel better?” Dan asked. 

Phil nodded, glancing down at the half-done joint. “Yeah. Uh, it helps with anxiety. But it doesn’t help that I’m a lightweight so next class I’ll be giggling at everything.” 

“Who do you have next?” 

“Fuck me, I have no idea. The guy who was supposed to show me around left to talk to his friends,” Phil said. 

Dan frowned. He sat up, turning toward Phil. “Let me see your schedule.” 

“Oh, uh—” Phil hurried to grab the piece of paper from the outside pocket of his bag, handing it to Dan. “Here.” 

Dan looked it over. “You’re with me next. I’ll show you there. After, I can show you around, if you want.” 

Phil sighed in relief. “Thank you.” 

“Just let me get a hit and we’ll call it even,” Dan said. 

Phil handed him the joint. 

“There’s no, like, meth in this right?” Dan asked, putting it up to his lips all the same. 

“No, haven’t gotten that desperate.” 

Dan chuckled, choking for a moment on the inhale. He handed it back to Phil. 

“I’m Dan.” 

“Phil.” 

~•~•~ 

_ present _

“So, you wanna go upstairs and watch comedies that are only funny when you’re high?” Phil asked, sitting up. 

Dan grinned. “Sure, let me just—” Dan looked down at his phone, seeing a text as well as the time. “ _ Fuck _ . I—How long do you think it'll take me to get sober?” Dan asked, sitting up quickly and shaking his head as though that would clear it. 

Phil shrugged. “What’s the point in meeting up with me to get high if you gotta get sober right away?” he asked, voice getting lower and a bit less clear as he spoke. 

Dan glanced Phil over. He was draped over the van’s bench, a bag of potato crisps sat beside him. He wore a blue, slightly stained, loose, lightweight, cotton t-shirt. Dan’s eyes lingered there for a moment. He knew the fabric would be soft, and he felt the desire to slide his hands beneath it, over Phil’s chest. If he was a little higher, he might’ve moved closer and tried it. 

Phil looked to him for an answer, and Dan remembered what he had just been concerned about. He hoped Phil was too high to interpret the subtext of the moment. 

“Dunno,” Dan said, grabbing a bottle of water and downing it quickly. 

“If you had somewhere to be, you should’ve stopped at two or three hits, mate,” Phil said, grabbing another handful of potato crisps. “Or just blown me off.” 

“Yeah, well I know that, Phil,” Dan replied, rolling his tongue piercing between his teeth, thinking about how much he didn’t want to drag himself back to his boyfriend’s place. 

“Damn. Can’t believe I wasted some of my good stuff on you. You owe me ten bucks or something.” He shook his head solemnly. “I mean—” Phil shoved a few potato crisps into his mouth, continuing to speak. “I’d say sleep the shit off, but you’re obviously already late for Mr. Perfect, so good luck with that.” 

Dan supposed he was transparent by now. Phil knew what it meant when he glanced at his phone and hurried to leave. He drank the rest of the water bottle he was holding. Damn, James would be pissed if he realized Dan was high again. 

“Hey,” Phil said, and Dan looked over. “Have you considered that maybe you do this all the time because you have more fun with me than with Jimmy boy?” 

Dan took in a breath. “Fuck off. You’re just my enabler.” 

“Mm. Your words or his?” Phil asked, grabbing another handful of crisps. Maintaining eye contact, he shoved them into his mouth. He made audible crunches, chewing the large handful of crisps as he looked at Dan. 

Dan looked him over and giggled. “It’s kind of hard to take you seriously right now.” 

“What do you mean?” he replied. His words were barely understandable with his mouth full. The two giggled, and Dan rolled his eyes. 

“I’ll see you later, Phil,” Dan said, opening the door to leave the van. 

“Same time next week?” Phil called with a snicker. “Oh, bring sour cream and onion!” 

~•~•~ 

_ our spot  _ -DH 

Phil squinted at his phone screen in the darkness, lit up with a text from Dan. 11pm and Dan was waiting for Phil at their spot. Phil knew what that meant. 

Phil sighed, sitting up and putting his glasses back on. So much for sleeping a few hours more than usual. He grabbed his jacket, a pair of joggers, and his bag. He snuck out of the apartment, trying not to alert his two roommates. 

_ See you there -PL _

Phil buried his hands in his pockets and walked down the street toward the park just a few blocks down from the college campus. It only had a few benches, pine trees, and one large cherry blossom tree that would hopefully be blooming soon. 

Phil found Dan sat on the bench beneath that very tree. His face was dimly lit by the amber streetlights. The light reflected off the wetness on his cheeks. 

Phil began to walk with heavier footsteps, so he wouldn’t startle Dan. Dan looked up and smiled a bit at him. 

“Hey,” Phil breathed, sitting down on the bench, setting down his bag. 

“Hey,” Dan said, reaching up to wipe his cheeks. 

“So, you and pretty boy get in a fight again?” 

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Phil,” Dan mumbled, looking down. He looked to Phil’s bag. “Did you bring the stuff?” 

“Yeah,” Phil replied, pulling the bag up to his lap. “What type do you want?” 

“Surprise me,” Dan said. 

Phil ruffled through the bag a bit before handing Dan the chocolate bar. “Caramel,” he said. 

“Thank you,” Dan breathed, tearing the package open. He took a bite. Phil grabbed one for himself and tore it open, also taking a bite. 

They sat quietly for a moment, distant city sounds creating a calming sort of white noise. Dan looked tired. Phil felt tired. They should both be asleep. 

“Am I a terrible person?” Dan asked in between bites of chocolate. 

“No,” Phil said. “You’re a good person.” 

They were quiet for a few seconds longer, taking bites of chocolate. James didn’t have chocolate in his apartment. Well, not the good kind. The occasional protein bar, but never the good sort of milk chocolate that Phil had stocked up on just for these occasions. 

“Maybe you wouldn’t say that if you knew all of me,” Dan breathed, breaking off a piece of chocolate and looking down at it. 

“I know you better than anyone,” Phil said. 

He did. He knew why Dan was here tonight. He knew the way Dan really felt about his boyfriend. The way he really felt about Phil (though, perhaps wishful thinking clouded that a bit). He knew why Dan picked up a joint with Phil every Thursday. He knew why tears stained Dan’s cheeks tonight. He knew how Dan thought and fought with himself and defended himself like he was constantly the judge, jury, accused, and attorney of his own mind. He knew how much Dan hated law, and he knew why he continued to take it. He knew what Dan looked like, sounded like, smelled like, tasted like, felt like. He knew it better than anyone. 

Dan looked over at Phil and glanced down at Phil’s lips for a moment. And Phil knew what he was thinking for that brief moment too, despite the nervousness that told him he was misinterpreting signs. The same nervousness he’d felt the first time he had ever noticed Dan’s gaze drift to his lips. 

“Then can you tell me how to fix it?” Dan asked. 

Phil looked into Dan’s eyes. It was too dark to make out the irises, but light enough to see the wetness he tried to blink away. Phil wanted to give his input, and he wanted to do it with his lips against Dan’s. 

“It’s not my place,” Phil said, instead. “I could give you my opinion, but…It’s up to you, mate.” Phil put the last few pieces of chocolate in his mouth at once. 

“I hate that.” 

“I know.” Phil looked over at Dan. “Let’s go back to my place.” He knew Dan didn’t want to go back to James’s place, and he knew Dan didn’t want to return to the cramped uni halls. 

“He’ll hate me for that,” Dan said. 

“I won’t tell,” Phil said, like he always did. “It can just be blowjobs this time, no anal,” he added, hoping to lighten the mood. 

Dan snorted and Phil laughed as well. 

“You wish,” Dan said. 

Phil smiled, standing. “Come on,” he said again. “You can have my bed. I’ll take the floor.” 

~•~•~ 

“Mr. Perfect give you a hard time today?” Phil asked, the next day between classes. He sat on the curb outside his small apartment building and lit up a half-done joint. 

“Haven’t seen him yet,” Dan admitted, sitting beside him. “Let me have a hit,” he said, reaching over. 

Phil handed him the joint. “But it isn’t stoner day,” he said, grinning. A reference to their usual meetups on Thursday afternoons. 

“I wish everyday was stoner day,” Dan admitted. “Why’re you smoking off schedule then?” 

“I smoke as needed, you know,” Phil said. 

“Oh? And how often is ‘as needed?’” Dan teased, handing the joint back to Phil who put it out after one more drag and pocketed it. 

“Depends on how shitty my anxiety decides to be,” Phil said, voice quiet. 

Dan nodded, looking down. “How’s that, uh, going lately?” he asked. 

Phil shrugged. “Not terrible.” He looked down. “It has hindered my ability to hook up, though,” Phil said, chuckling. It always came back to sex, if he was honest. Maybe Phil still wanted Dan to believe he was the cool suave, manly, sex-haver he pretended to be. Maybe Phil didn’t know how to talk to Dan about anything else. Or maybe it was too scary to talk to Dan about anything else. It didn’t matter. He had a boyfriend anyway. 

“Oh, that sucks,” Dan said with a chuckle. 

“Yeah, coz you know I was doing it so much before,” Phil joked, because he knew Dan knew the truth. Dan knew him just as well as he knew Dan. At least, Phil hoped. 

Dan smiled and Phil looked over, meeting his gaze. They looked at each other for a moment. Dan’s gaze dropped to Phil’s lips again. Phil never missed those glances anymore. He pushed his lip piercing past his lips as he licked them. 

“Kiss me,” Phil breathed softly. 

For the slightest moment, Dan seemed like he might. Then, he blinked and looked up at Phil. “What?” he asked. 

Phil held back a scoff. As if Dan hadn’t been thinking the exact same thing. “Oh, c’mon, it’s not like we’ve never done it before,” he said. 

Dan sighed, leaning back against the wall, and looking away. “Yeah…but I have a boyfriend.” 

Phil sighed, leaning away. “Prude,” he breathed, attempting to recapture the careless attitude he often hid behind. 

Dan bit his lip, looking over at Phil. His reflex was to say something in reply, snarky and not thought-through, but Phil’s eyes didn’t look clear enough right now for that to go down well at all. He bit his tongue. 

“We used to do it all the time,” Phil mentioned, after a few moments of silence. “Why did we stop?” 

“Because real fucking life hit, Phil,” Dan said quietly, flicking his tongue piercing through his teeth as he looked at the ground. 

~•~•~ 

_ age: 18 _

“Phiw,” Dan said, the ‘l’ of the word not quite sounding as Dan climbed through the window. “My lack of impulthe control is at it again.” He spoke with a lisp that turned his ‘s’s into ‘th’s and his ‘l’s into ‘w’s. He fell onto Phil’s bed, grinning. 

Phil giggled, sat on the side of his bed. He set his laptop aside. “What?” he asked, looking at Dan. 

“Lithen—” 

Phil frowned, noticing the bit of red on Dan’s lower lip. “Whoa, mate, you’re bleeding.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Dan said, grinning, sticking his tongue out between his teeth to reveal the metal rod and the bloody saliva leaking past it. 

“Oh,” Phil breathed, unsure what feeling washed over him when he got a glance at the silver ball sat in the middle of Dan’s tongue. “Did you just get that done?” 

“Literally just had Ally’s brother do it. Hurts like a bitch, let me tell you.” He swallowed, grinning again. “What d’you think?” He stuck his tongue out again, less bloody this time. 

Phil’s eyes didn’t move away from the metal rod. “You didn’t get it professionally done?” he asked. “Is it gonna get all infected now?” 

“Nah. Dalton’s a piercer. He just did it for me at his place,” Dan said, his words still filtered through the lisp. 

“Oh, sure mate, that’s not sketchy,” Phil teased, still watching Dan’s tongue. There were plenty of not-so innocent thoughts flirting through his mind revolving around the piece of metal. “Ask for anything in return?” 

“Just a blowjob,” Dan said. 

Phil nearly choked on his spit, and Dan burst into giggles. 

“Jealous much? Nah, he’s into me, but he’s too insecure to ask for what he wants.” Dan gave a shrug. “He’s not even that cute.” He lay back on the couch, sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes to see it. 

Phil looked at the piercing. “So, how long does it take to, uh, heal up?” he licked his lips subconsciously as he asked the not-so-subtle question. 

Dan grinned. “Just a few weeks, Philly. Think you can keep it in your pants that long?” he teased. 

Dan had been anything but subtle since they’d started messing around. He had no shame, and more confidence than Phil could dream of having. Maybe Phil’s attraction toward him was just so obvious that he never had to second guess it. 

“Does it hurt too much for kissing?” Phil asked, cursing himself for the awkward delivery of the question. 

Dan just grinned, damn tongue piercing reflecting the sunlight of the low afternoon sun. God. Dan was the prettiest boy Phil had seen in his 18 years of living, and he wasn’t sure he would ever see anyone prettier. 

“The light bleeding doesn’t throw you off?” Dan asked, lisp still ever-present as he spoke. 

“Is it weird if I say no?” Phil replied. 

Dan grinned, sitting up on the bed and turning toward Phil. “I don’t kink-shame,” he said, leaning in to press his lips to Phil’s. 

“Oh, you really do taste like blood,” Phil said, scrunching up his nose when Dan pulled away. 

“Oh, thut up,” Dan said in reply, leaning in to kiss him again. 

“Not that it’s not super sexy, but that little lisp of yours is temporary, yeah?” Phil asked, pulling away again. 

“We’ll thee,” Dan said with a grin, leaning into kiss Phil once more and effectively shutting him up this time. 

~•~•~ 

_ present _

“God, he just pisses me the fuck  _ off _ sometimes,” Dan griped, pacing outside the van. “‘Come on Dan, just eat some fruit, go on a bike ride, come with me to the gym, think positive, do the dishes.’ It’s not that  _ easy _ . When I can’t even fucking brush my goddamn teeth, I’m not going to organize my room and then go jog five miles. Why can’t he just—can’t he just hold me? Can’t he just let me be a fucking mess for a while? Or even just leave me alone for a bit? Am I being stupid?” 

“I don’t think you’re being stupid,” Phil said, leaning against the van as Dan paced. He took a hit from the pipe he held. He’d long ago learned how to reply to these sorts of things. How to be comforting without overstepping. How to agree with Dan without disagreeing with James. 

Dan wasn’t listening for his answer anyways. “I know he just wants to help. I know. It’s just, the days when I don’t even want to—want to  _ be here _ , the last thing I want is a goddamn personal trainer telling me to go for a run,” Dan said. 

Phil snorted. “Mate, are you gonna take a hit or not? I left the lighter in the van,” he said, offering the still-lit pipe to Dan. 

Dan took the pipe, inhaling slowly and deeply. He covered and uncovered the hole on the side of the pipe to keep it lit as he took a long drag into his lungs. Phil was surprised when he didn’t cough upon letting it go. He handed the pipe back to Phil. 

“And, like, I get it. He wants me to be healthy,” Dan continued after a second. “But he makes me feel guilty about everything that makes me  _ feel _ good. Comfort food? No. Weed? Hell no. Drinks? Nope. Sex? Not if I’m not in ‘the right mind to be sure’ whatever the fuck that means.” 

“God, he’s a good guy,” Phil breathed, equally genuine and annoyed. 

Dan giggled a little. “Shut up, you’re meant to agree with me,” he said with a pout. He took the pipe from Phil again, taking another hit. “I know,” he said, breathing out the smoke. “He’s  _ too _ good,” Dan admitted. “It’s like…it’s like he can’t look that good stood next to…stood next to me. A mess. I mean, he’s so much better than me. It honestly scares me.” Dan took one more hit before passing the pipe back. “I’m not worth all that, you know? He wants to, like,  _ fix _ me. But, it’s not that simple is it? I’m never going to wake up all better.” 

“Doesn’t he have any hobbies?” Phil asked, taking a hit himself. 

Dan chuckled. “Working out?” 

“That it? Jesus. I never pictured you with someone, like—” 

“Functional?” Dan cut off. “Me either.” 

_ Someone other than me _ . 

“Exactly,” Phil said with a laugh. “Didn’t think it was your type.” 

Dan looked over Phil and smiled a bit. Phil detected some sadness in Dan’s eyes. “Maybe it should be,” Dan said. 

Phil put the pipe to his lips, cursing softly when he realized it had burned out. “You hungry?” he asked, opening the back doors of the van. 

Dan nodded, climbing in after Phil and sitting down. He sighed. “I don’t know why I get mad at him,” Dan breathed. “He really is a good guy.” 

Phil opened the chest beside the couch and grabbed for a half-empty bag of Oreos. “So, you guys fought again last night?” he asked. He grabbed a lighter off the floor, putting the pipe to his lips and lighting up the bowl again to take another hit. 

Dan reached for the pipe, and Phil took another short hit before handing it over. 

“The usual stuff,” Dan said, putting the pipe to his lips and breathing in. 

Dan pulled the pipe away, holding the smoke a moment, before breathing out. Phil had to admit that Dan looked amazing when he smoked. The way the smoke slipped past his lips on the exhale, the way he relaxed into it. 

“I’m always ‘sneaking off’ to get high with my ‘ex,’” Dan said using finger quotes. “I don’t appreciate him enough. I don’t try to help myself. I’m falling behind in law. You know, it’s like he’s my fucking dad sometimes.” 

Phil’s heart skipped at the thought of being Dan’s ex, but he let it go. “You into that?” he teased. 

“Mmm, yes, daddy, tell me how I’m throwing my life away,  _ fuck _ !” Dan cried, just a bit too loud. 

Phil burst into giggles. “Oh god,” he said, the two of them laughing twice the amount that they might’ve sober. “Maybe that would liven up the sex with old Jimmy,” Phil teased. 

“God, no,” Dan breathed, giggling a bit. He sighed. “I just...no, no, never mind,” Dan said shaking his head. He set aside the pipe, nearly finished. 

“What?” Phil asked, grinning. “Come on, you’ve gotta talk to someone.” 

“I’m not sure my weed hookup is the best person to be using as a therapist,” Dan said. 

Phil giggled before his smile dropped. Weed hookup. Phil wondered when they stopped referring to each other as best friends. “We’ve always told each other everything,” Phil said. 

Dan looked at him, and they held each other’s gaze for a moment. 

~•~•~ 

_ age: 17 _

“Phil?” Dan asked, voice quiet and serious. 

Phil looked up at him, studying his expression. Dan looked at the ground, jaw set and eyes watering. Phil sat up straighter. “Yeah?” he asked, watching Dan carefully, anxiety curling in his stomach. 

“Can I tell you something?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah,” Phil said, leaning forward. 

The two of them sat in Phil’s bedroom, where they often hung out. Phil’s parents both worked during the day, so they could usually be alone there. Phil sat on a beanbag on the floor, Dan sat across the room on the ground, leaning against the bed. 

“I think I’m gonna break up with my girlfriend,” he said quietly. 

“Oh,” Phil said, unsure how Dan wanted him to react, or if Dan wanted him to react. Phil’s stomach flipped, but he ignored it. 

“Just, ‘cause, you know. We’re headed to different colleges after awhile, and...” Dan trailed off, still looking down. 

“And?” Phil asked, holding his breath, part of him knowing what Dan would say and part of him insisting it was merely wishful thinking. 

Dan licked his lips, fingers picking at the carpet as he spoke. “And I... I haven’t really been...interested in girls. As much.” 

Phil felt a little dizzy, and he hadn’t even smoked today. “Oh?” His voice came out small and breathy. He coughed to clear his throat. “What have you been, uh, interested in?” 

Dan swallowed. “Dunno. I’ve been...thinking a lot about, like, boys,” Dan said. 

“Oh.” Phil said, heart racing. 

“Phil?” 

“Yeah?” 

Dan looked up, catching Phil’s gaze. “Have you ever kissed a boy?” 

Phil slid off the beanbag and onto the floor. “No,” he said. 

Dan moved slightly closer. “Ever wanted to?” 

Phil could hear his own heartbeat in his ears, and he decided to throw any subtlety out the window. He crawled over to Dan, looking over his face, eyes landing on his lips. “Yeah,” he breathed. 

Dan looked to Phil’s lips. He leaned in a bit, eyes falling closed. Phil closed the distance, pressing their lips together. 

~•~•~ 

_ present _

“Would I be insane to say I’m not... attracted to James?” Dan asked. 

Phil’s stomach flipped. “Yeah,” he said. 

That was insane for a lot of reasons. Firstly, Dan and James had been dating for nearly a year. Secondly, Dan had gone on and on about how hot James was when they’d first met. Thirdly, Phil was arrogant enough to believe he might have something to do with Dan’s attraction to James slipping away, and that was too much for Phil to take. The fourth reason was that James was hot as shit. He had abs, broad shoulders, a square jaw, light brown hair, and his life together. 

“He’s hot as shit,” Phil said. 

“I guess,” Dan breathed, leaning back. 

“No, he’s like,  _ really _ hot. Like, actor-for-a-marvel-superhero-film hot. His jawline is like, you could cut yourself on that thing, and his chest holy  _ shit, _ ” Phil said. 

Dan snorted. “Jesus, Phil, you trying to steal my man?” he asked. 

“I’ll take him if you don’t want him, that’s all I’m saying.” 

Dan smiled. “He’s not your type,” he said. 

“What? Functional?” Phil said again. 

Dan sighed. “No. Good. You don’t fall for genuinely good guys.” 

Phil wanted to argue that he did fall for good guys. He fell for the best guys. The sweetest, smartest, funniest guys with laughs that sounded like happiness and dimples and curly hair that they straightened and edgy aesthetics to cover up the genuine warmth they naturally emitted. But he couldn’t say any of that without breaking the last pane of glass between he and Dan, and that was far too scary. 

“I don’t fall,” Phil said. “But I’ll tell you what, I would give Mr. Perfect one hell of a night.” 

Dan laughed a bit. “What would you do?” he asked, looking to Phil with genuine curiosity. 

“You want to know?” Phil asked, and the mood seemed to change in a heartbeat. 

Dan just gave a nod. 

“I’d...I’d take over,” Phil said. “Show him what it’s like to be with a real man.” His words were suddenly much smoother, his voice a bit deeper. Because sex was so fucking easy compared to everything else. The weed didn’t hurt his confidence levels either. 

“Talk to him, you know? While I’m touching him. Ask him if his boyfriend could make him feel as good as I could. Ask him if he wanted me more than his boyfriend and he’d want me so bad, he’d say yes. Make him feel dirty.” Phil was looking into Dan’s eyes, and Dan was looking back, and the world had stopped turning. 

“Fuck him harder and better than his boyfriend ever could. Lay him down, watch as every guilty thought about his boyfriend leaves his mind until I’m the only one that he can think about. Me, fucking him, pleasuring him, touching him—” Phil glanced down to Dan’s lips and back up to Dan’s eyes. “Kissing him.” 

Dan swallowed, glancing at Phil’s lips once before leaning away. “Damn, maybe I should let you have him,” he said with a giggle, reaching for the Oreos. The mood had reverted just as fucking quickly. 

Dan sighed, looking down at the time on his phone. “I gotta go. I have insane amounts of homework due, and I gotta sleep this off. 

Phil leaned back and sighed. “Yeah. Me too.” 

“I’ll see you later,” Dan said, climbing out of the van. 

“Yeah,” Phil said. “See you. Good luck with Jimmy boy.” 

With Dan out the door, Phil collapsed across the van’s bench groaning. Phil could sleep his high off and then go get some actual work done for class, but he reached for the pipe with its bowl still half-full. He lit it up, taking in a long drag, so he could renew his high and just maybe forget about how gorgeous the stupid boy that had looked back at him was, and how soft he remembered that boy’s lips feeling against his. 

~•~•~ 

_ our spot _ ? -DH 

Phil sighed. His head was pounding with his latest migraine, anxiety swirled in his stomach for no reason in particular, and he just wanted to take a few painkillers then fall asleep. The thought of dragging himself out of bed, down the three staircases of his apartment building, and down a few blocks during the sketchy time of the night was extremely unappealing. 

He wanted to lock his phone, leave Dan on delivered, and pretend that he had fallen asleep before he’d seen the text. 

_ please _ -DH 

Phil sighed, squeezing his eyes closed. 

Fuck it. He sat up, throwing his feet over the edge of the bed. Fucking Dan. He pulled his jacket on and slid on his shoes. Fucking James. Nearly a year and Dan still hadn’t realized that he probably shouldn’t be dating someone he constantly ran away from. But, no. He was content having Phil on call for when his boyfriend wasn’t cutting it. 

Phil hated him. He hated that he always came running when Dan asked. Even when Dan never really thanked him for it. He hated that Dan was his best friend in the world, when Dan hadn’t referred to him as a friend in months. 

Phil stomped down the stairs and buried his hands in his pockets, walking down the street. Yes, he hated this. He hated that he could be asleep right now. He hated that he would probably be dating someone nice, be passing all of his classes, and be enjoying YouTube more if he had never met Dan. He hated that he would never choose anyone or anything over Dan. 

And he hated the way his heart clenched when he arrived at the park to see Dan sat on the bench with his knees pulled up and his face buried in them. 

Phil walked over, his irritation evaporating at the sight. As he got closer, he could hear the sobs and see the way Dan’s body shook with them. 

Looking around in the dim light, Phil couldn’t imagine having blown Dan off. With Dan this upset, out here all alone, at this time of night, he could easily get seriously hurt. Phil knew well enough to worry that sometimes Dan wouldn’t be all that upset if he did get seriously hurt. 

“Dan,” Phil murmured, approaching the bench. 

Dan’s head snapped up to look at Phil, and he whimpered. “I th-thought you weren’t coming,” he managed, reaching to wipe his eyes. 

Phil realized he hadn’t texted Dan back, and he felt guilt pang in his chest for making Dan worry. “I always come,” he said. 

Dan choked on a small sob, now seemingly trying to hold them back. He held his knees tighter. “Did you bring the stuff?” he asked. 

Phil frowned, realizing he hadn’t grabbed his backpack. “Shit, no, I forgot. I’m sorry.” He’d been so scattered all day. 

Dan sobbed against his knees again. “Damn,” he breathed, trying at a wet chuckle. “I just wanted some chocolate.” He meant it to sound lighter, but the tears and sniffles made it difficult to sound anything but upset. 

“I could run back and get some,” Phil offered. 

Dan shook his head. “No,” he cried. “Stay,” he reached out toward Phil. 

Phil took Dan’s hand, running his thumb across Dan’s knuckles. He sat beside Dan. “Okay.” 

Dan leaned into Phil, and the last of the dams staving off a breakdown broke. He began to sob harder, tears running down his cheeks. One hand clutched Phil’s shirt tightly, the other holding onto Phil’s hand like it was a lifeline. 

Phil’s head still hurt, but Dan sounded so  _ sad _ , and he just wanted to make it  _ better _ . He squeezed Dan’s hand, other hand resting on Dan’s knee. 

It was an insanely intimate moment, but one that they frequented throughout their friendship. Phil briefly wondered if James had ever held Dan this way as Dan fell apart, or if James was just the well-intentioned trigger that set Dan off. 

It didn’t even make sense that Dan ended up with Phil on nights like these. ‘Mr. Perfect’ wasn’t just a mocking nickname Phil used for James. James was basically perfect, from all Phil had seen. He was kind, smart, understanding, hot as shit. Phil couldn’t understand how he didn’t make Dan happier than anyone else could. What the hell could Phil offer Dan on nights like this that James couldn’t do better? There was surely no way that James was worsening Dan’s bad days, was there? 

“Did something happen?” Phil asked softly, rubbing circles against Dan’s knee. 

Dan shook his head, whimpering. 

“Just a bad day?” Phil asked. 

Dan nodded, sobbing some more. 

“Me too,” Phil admitted. 

Dan looked up at Phil, as if to ask for more information. 

“Just anxious, is all,” Phil said. “I’m glad you texted me. I don’t think I wanted to be alone either.” He had started to say it as just a meaningless comfort. Something to make Dan feel better for reaching out to him, when Phil had just wanted to sleep. Once he’d said it, though, he realized it was true. Phil liked being with Dan. Even when they both felt shit. He felt less shit when they were together. 

“I’m a mess,” Dan said. “I don’t…I don’t even know why…” 

“You don’t have to know why,” Phil said quietly. “There’s a reason, somewhere in that head of yours, but there’s no need to go searching for it tonight.” Phil didn’t think he could handle one of Dan’s talking nights tonight. Dan could talk for so long about things so difficult to discuss, and Phil was so tired. 

Dan nodded, burying his face further in Phil’s shoulder, breathing him in. Phil didn’t smell too strongly of anything at all, but the warmth Dan breathed in felt intimate in a calming way. Dan liked touch. He liked being close to other humans. He happened to like it a lot more with Phil than anyone else, though he always had. 

The feeling of relaxation made way for a filterless expression of the emotion that had been building up for a while now, and he broke. The sobs stopped, and he wasn’t crying violently or trying to hold back. His tears spilled down his cheeks freely, and Dan just sniffed and gasped for air when he could through the tears. 

Phil just held him, stroking his hair as he cried. The intimacy of the action didn’t help Dan’s tears. It felt so  _ nice _ . Why couldn’t anyone else make Dan feel this…this  _ safe _ ? Phil felt like  _ home _ , and Dan didn’t get it. He didn’t get why no one else…why  _ James _ …never felt this way. 

Phil hushed him gently, and Dan cried himself out, looking up at Phil. Phil’s pale skin reflected the moonlight and his hair was messier than usual. His leg was shaking just a bit, a longtime nervous tick of his, and Dan rested a hand on his knee, squeezing a little. 

Dan sat back against the bench, feeling the frigid air of the evening hit his wet cheeks. He sighed, tilting his head to look at Phil, who looked back over at him. 

Dan’s eyes flicked down to Phil’s lips then back up to Phil’s eyes. 

Phil couldn’t help himself. Dan’s eyes were wide and glossy, his lips were red and beautiful and inches away. Dan was so pretty. He leaned in, like it was second nature, and brushed his lips softly against Dan’s. 

For a second, it felt like Dan kissed back. Or maybe he imagined it. Phil quickly realized his mistake. He pulled away too soon to see if Dan just might have kissed him back. 

“Fuck,” Phil breathed, feeling like a jerk. “I’m sorry, Dan, I—I wasn’t thinking.” He didn’t mean to take advantage of Dan’s desire for comfort. Dan had a boyfriend. Phil had no right to just lean in and kiss him. 

Dan didn’t seem to be listening. His eyes flicked down to Phil’s lips again and he leaned in, catching them with his own. 

Phil couldn’t hold onto his doubts with Dan’s lips pressing so perfectly against his. He was such a naturally good kisser. Even when it was messy and unsure, when it was desperate and sloppy, and when it was salted with tears as it was now. Or maybe Phil just liked any kiss that came from Dan’s lips. 

Dan kissed Phil with a desperation that Phil hadn’t felt in two years. His hands moved up into Phil’s hair, and it was messy. It was almost too messy, too wet, and too sloppy. The need for the touch cancelled it all out. The ‘oh my god it feels so good to touch you that I don’t care how you touch me just  _ touch _ me’ sort of desperation that Phil only seemed to feel with Dan. 

And then they relaxed into it and  _ oh _ . Dan’s fingers threaded through Phil’s hair, tugging a bit as he tilted into the kiss. He pulled back, readjusting the angle, before kissing Phil again. It was no less needy, but much slower. He moved deliberately, pressing his tongue carefully past Phil’s lips, re-familiarizing himself with the inside of Phil’s mouth. 

Phil let Dan kiss him. Let him hold Phil’s head and lead the kiss. Let him press his tongue past Phil’s lips. 

Dan’s impatience got the best of him, and his slow kisses sped up again, messier again. Then he was pressing short kisses to Phil’s lips, to the side of his mouth, down his jaw. Dan leaned over, and finally said fuck it. He threw a leg over Phil’s lap and straddled him on the bench. 

Any hesitance was then lost, and Phil slid his arms around Dan’s waist, pressing his hands up beneath Dan’s shirt. Dan moved his lips to Phil’s neck, dropping quick kisses. He lingered to suck at the space below Phil’s jaw, and Phil squeezed his hips. 

Dan pressed himself intentionally against Phil, his crotch pressing against Phil’s stomach, and Phil’s against Dan’s ass. This was real now. It was past a comforting kiss. This was heat, desperation, sex, and everything that 18-year-old Dan and Phil used to have with one another. 

Dan pulled back, panting, sweating despite the cold. He caught his breath, and Phil froze. He waited for the fallout. For Dan to be upset with himself, with Phil. For Dan to leave without another word. For the hurt. 

It didn’t come. 

Dan kissed him again. “Back to your place?” he asked. 

Phil didn’t trust himself to speak, so he nodded before pressing his lips to Dan’s, holding nothing back. Dan wanted this. Phil wanted this. Fuck, it had been so long. 

Dan’s tongue piercing knocked against Phil’s teeth, and Phil couldn’t help but pull back and laugh at the familiarity of the mess-up. He thought back to all the kisses they’d shared years prior. All the times Dan had impatiently pressed his tongue into Phil’s mouth just to knock that metal rod clumsily against Phil’s teeth. 

“Oh, fuck off, Lester,” Dan said with a grin. He leaned in again, kissing him slower, hands moving over his clothed chest. “Let’s go,” he breathed. 

Phil squeezed Dan’s hips once more before the boy crawled out of his lap. Dan stood up, fixed his T-shirt, and offered Phil a hand. 

Just like always, Phil took it. 

Somewhere along the way home, their walk turned into a speed walk, and then to an almost run. By the time they reached Phil’s apartment door, they were breathless. Before Phil could scramble to get his keys from his pocket, Dan was pushing him up against the door and taking his lips again. 

“Fuck,” Phil breathed, hands shaking as he tried to get his keys while Dan pressed kisses down his jaw. He hadn’t had Dan in this way in so long, and he was afraid that any wrong move might ruin it all, scare Dan off. Phil was selfish. He’d given Dan a chance to back out, and he hadn’t, so now Phil wanted desperately to keep the trance of familiarity they’d fallen into from breaking. 

Dan hummed a giggle against Phil’s neck. “You’re so precious, Phil,” he breathed. 

“Shut up,” Phil breathed, managing to free his keys from his pocket. He unlocked the door with a minimal struggle and practically fell into the apartment, Dan having him against the wall inside in a second. 

Dan seemed to find a place he liked below Phil’s jaw, sucking, and biting there before kissing over it. Phil bit his lip, knowing there would be a mark there. Dan moved just down from one spot to the next, doing the same thing. He didn’t seem to care. 

“Dan,” Phil breathed. “Roommates are sleeping,” he mentioned. 

“C’mon, how many times have they woken you up with sex?” Dan teased. “It’s only fair. Maybe they’ll be glad you’re actually getting some.” Dan pressed his hands up beneath Phil’s shirt. 

“Actually, shut up,” Phil breathed, head falling back against the wall again. 

Dan pressed a thigh up against Phil’s bulge, and Phil properly squealed. He bucked against Dan’s thigh, eyes falling closed. 

“Phil?” Dan asked, and it was hesitant. Phil kept his eyes closed, and he held his breath, ready for all of this to come crashing down around him. 

“Yeah?” he replied in a breath. 

“Could I—can I fuck you, Phil?” Dan asked, thumbs dipping beneath his waistband. 

_ Oh _ . “Yeah, yes, god yes,” Phil said. There went any hope he had of playing this cool. 

“Oh, Phil,” Dan said, sounding amused. He moved his hands down past Phil’s waistband, spreading them over Phil’s ass, pulling him closer, their crotches pressed together. “How long has it been since you’ve let someone take care of you?” Dan moved himself against Phil, looking up to meet his eyes. 

Phil could have cried from how much he wanted this combined with the realization that he hadn’t been fully satisfied in sex since he was eighteen fucking years old. “Ages,” Phil breathed, arms wrapped tightly around Dan, hips bucking his hard cock against Dan’s through their pants. 

Dan pressed Phil hard against the wall, and then Phil’s legs were swept out from under him. He squeaked in surprise, holding tightly onto Dan. Dan held him against the wall, Phil’s legs wrapped around his waist, and his arms wrapped around Dan’s neck. Dan giggled softly at Phil’s surprise. 

“Jesus Christ,” Phil breathed. Since when did Dan have this sort of physical strength? And why was Phil so turned on by it? 

Dan buried his face in Phil’s neck again, Phil leaning his head back against the wall. “Perks of dating a trainer,” he joked. 

At that remark, Phil’s stomach tied itself into a knot. He felt himself tense, but Dan breezed past it, kissing Phil’s jaw back up to his lips until Phil relaxed again, desperate for more. 

“I’ll take care of you,” Dan promised, looking into Phil’s eyes. 

“Please,” Phil breathed, looking right back. 

Dan grinned, pressing a kiss to his lips before pulling back, stepping away from the wall. He stumbled, but he eventually managed to balance himself without setting Phil down. He carried Phil to the bedroom, pushing the door shut behind them. He carefully laid Phil down on the twin-sized bed. He remained between Phil’s legs, hovering over him. 

Phil looked up, wishing they’d flipped the lights on. Wishing he could see the golden in Dan’s brown eyes and make out the few freckles on his cheeks. He wouldn’t ask Dan to turn them on, though. He wouldn’t ask Dan for anything. He would take whatever Dan was willing to give him and ask for nothing more, lest he accidentally shatter what they had in this moment. 

Dan brought his lips back to Phil’s neck, pulling his loose shirt to the side and moving down to his collar bones to add hickeys there. Phil shouldn’t have loved them so much. The hickeys. He felt owned, marked, and it pleased him in a primal sort of way.  _ Dan’s _ . 

But Dan wasn’t his, was he? 

“Have you got lube and condoms?” Dan asked, voice so low and soft. 

“Desk,” Phil replied. “Bottom drawer.” 

Dan stood to get them, and Phil’s body felt bare without Dan pressed against him. Dan pulled off his shirt as he stood, followed by his jeans, discarding them on the floor. He grabbed a bottle of lube and a condom before climbing back into bed. 

Dan got a strange look about him. Two parts lustful, one part wistful, one part soft. He reached a hand up to push Phil’s hair back. “You’re so fucking pretty,” he breathed. He sat back on the bed. “Sit up for me, babe,” he asked. 

Phil’s heart skipped a beat at the pet name. He sat up, letting Dan slide his hands beneath Phil’s shirt. He slid his large hands over Phil’s ribs, up his chest, and flicked his thumbs over Phil’s nipples. He then pulled off Phil’s shirt, leaning in to kiss him again. He reached down to touch Phil through his sweatpants as they made out, and Phil moaned quietly into the kiss. Dan moaned in response, tensing his thighs, and moving them to brush against his own cock. 

“God,” Dan breathed. “Want my fingers first, sweetheart?” 

“No,” Phil replied in an almost-whine. “I can take you, wanna just take you.” 

“Fuck,” Dan breathed, hand resting on Phil’s hip. “God, I’m so fucking hard, Phil. So fucking hard for you.” 

“Let me  _ feel _ it, Dan.” 

“ _ Shit _ ,” Dan bit his lip, grinding down against Phil. “You can’t just say that,” he breathed. “Take your pants off.” 

Phil swallowed. He wanted this so fucking bad. Wanted to feel Dan. Still, he couldn’t do this, couldn’t go all the way, without making sure. He had to give Dan one more chance to change his mind. 

“Dan?” Phil asked, praying that Dan wouldn’t change his mind. “Are you—you’re sure about this?” He didn’t have to explain why he was asking. The elephant hadn’t left the room, but they were doing their best to ignore it anyways. 

“I want you so bad, Phil,” Dan replied. “I want you so  _ so _ bad.” 

“Fuck,” Phil fell back against the mattress. It wasn’t necessarily an answer to his question, but it made Phil’s head swim. “God, take me then. Fuck me,” Phil replied. 

Dan practically ripped off both his and Phil’s pants then, tossing them aside. He kissed Phil on the lips, hard and desperate and sloppy. As they kissed, Dan moved his hand down Phil’s stomach, stopping briefly to rub his thumb over the head of Phil’s cock. Phil flinched, bucking his hips at the sudden direct pleasure. Dan caught his lips again, moving his hand further down. 

“Spread your legs,” he breathed. 

Phil did as he was told, a hand dropping to stroke his cock as he waited, taking a bit of the edge off. 

“So eager,” Dan breathed, pressing another quick kiss to Phil’s lips before pulling back. He opened the bottle of lube, spreading a generous amount over his own cock and then over Phil’s hole. He grabbed Phil’s pillow, propping Phil’s hips up on it. Phil pulled his legs back, looking at Dan, and Dan lined himself up. 

“Tell me if you want to stop or slow down,” he said, looking to Phil for affirmation. 

“Okay.” 

Dan slowly pressed in, biting his lip. God. It’d been too long since he’d taken up this position. Phil felt so good, he looked so good, he sounded so good. 

“So good,” Dan breathed, vocalizing his thoughts, and pressing a bit further in. “Okay?” 

Phil nodded. “Perfect.” It stung just a bit, felt a little full and strange, but it was  _ Dan _ . It was hot and heavy, and Phil wanted to feel like this forever. “Please, please.” 

Dan bit his lip, sinking the rest of the way into Phil, groaning as he bottomed out. He reached to hold Phil’s legs, pushing them back, and he moved closer, meeting Phil’s eyes. 

It all felt so natural, so familiar. 

“Tell me when,” Dan breathed. 

“Just fuck me,” Phil begged. “ _ Please _ .” 

“Fuck,” Dan breathed, starting to slowly pull out and press back in, paying attention to Phil’s tenseness. In their times before, Dan had always found that Phil needed to be gently unwound before he could comfortably take Dan’s cock, as he was usually quite tense. As Dan moved, though, it seemed that Phil was relaxed and ready and willing. 

So, Dan sped up, losing his self control once he realized Phil wasn’t uncomfortable. Phil was very keen, in fact, to ascertain that it was quite the opposite. 

He moaned, wrapping his legs around Dan. “Yes, yes, yes,” he breathed, voice barely there. 

Dan groaned in reply, nuzzling Phil’s neck, breathing him in. He pushed Phil’s legs back a bit more and sunk even deeper into him, causing them both to groan. 

“Feel so good Dan,” Phil whined, almost desperate to let Dan know. Maybe if Dan knew how much Phil loved this, he would never stop. 

“Phil, babe,” Dan moaned. “Want me to touch you?” 

“Yes, yes,” Phil cried, pulling his own hand from his cock so Dan could replace it, pumping Phil’s cock himself. 

“Tease me, tease me,” Phil begged. 

Dan did as he was told, lightening his touches, dragging a teasing finger through the slit of Phil’s cock while dragging himself inside of Phil, right against his prostate. 

“Mm, I remember,” Dan breathed. “Know how to make you feel good.” 

And god, they were doing a lot of talking, but Dan’s voice was so  _ hot _ . And this strangely felt like the most meaningful conversation that the two of them had engaged in for a long time. They were kind of grounding each other. Phil hadn’t had this much of Dan’s attention in so long. Phil wanted so badly to stop thinking, and Dan was giving that to him by engaging all his senses. 

He could smell the sweat and the sex. He could taste Dan’s lips between his own. He could hear Dan’s beautiful sounds, the words that were everything Phil wanted to hear. He could see Dan falling apart right along with him, desperate just like him. He could feel heat and pleasure and fullness and Dan _. Dan Dan Dan. _

“Dan,” Phil cried, and Dan sped up his hand-job, grinding himself inside of Phil, just against that spot. Phil whimpered. 

“Dan, I’m…” He didn’t want to come. Didn’t want this to be over yet. But this was so much, and he felt so good and he couldn’t take it. He gasped, orgasm taking him over. 

Dan sped up his movements inside of Phil, fucking him hard and fast. The bed shook with their vigor. Phil’s fingernails dug into Dan’s back as he came over his stomach and Dan fucked him through it. He sighed, coming down. 

Dan groaned, slipping out of Phil. “God,” he groaned, doing away with the condom and taking his cock in hand, stroking himself. “So pretty, Phil. Tell me you liked it.” 

Phil watched, breathless and spent, but still insanely aroused by watching Dan. “Liked it so much, Dan. You fucked me so good. I can’t even think straight. Felt so good.” 

Dan groaned breathily, cumming over his hand and onto the soiled bed sheets. “God,” he breathed as he came down. “Fuck. That was—fuck.” 

Phil laughed breathily. “Yeah.” 

There was silence for a moment and Phil froze, a jolt of anxiety running through his body. They’d finished. They’d be thinking clearly again in no time. 

Dan could easily regret this. He had a boyfriend. God, Dan was taken. Dan was taken and Phil had just had sex with him. Amazing, live-giving, sex. Sex that was filled with natural chemistry and was highly arousing. 

Phil held his breath, waiting in silence for Dan to say something. Or do something. 

Dan stood, and Phil watched, eyes wide. He gathered the sheets off the bed and wiped himself off with them, doing the same to Phil’s stomach, not meeting Phil’s eyes as he did so. He threw the sheets in the hamper and grabbed his underwear, pulling them on. 

Was he leaving? 

He tossed Phil a pair of his underwear, and Phil, confused, pulled them on as well. Then Dan went to the bedroom door, dressed only in his underwear, and walked out. 

Phil watched the door, confused and anxious. Dan had left his jeans and t-shirt on the floor. Unless he was planning on walking home or calling a car in his pants, he wasn’t leaving. 

Dan returned with a wet flannel and some new bedsheets from the hallway cabinet. He wiped the stickiness that remained from Phil’s abdomen and dick and then his own. It felt strangely normal. They’d done it before, yes, but that had been two years ago. It was odd how easily they could slip back into this. 

Dan threw the wet cloth in the hamper as well. Phil would have to bring that to the laundromat first thing tomorrow morning, but he didn’t really mind. 

Phil watched Dan, eyes wide. Dan still refused to meet his eyes. He climbed into bed beside Phil, draping a sheet over the two of them. He threw an arm over Phil’s stomach and closed his eyes, no words said. 

And finally, Phil was able to fall asleep.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Phil woke up far too soon, his alarm blaring a reminder of an 8am class. 

Dan groaned, burying his face in Phil’s neck. “Phil,” he whined. 

“Sorry,” Phil replied, voice gravely from sleep. He reached to turn off the alarm, stretching his arms out above his head. “Linguistics,” he said. 

“Ugh,” Dan answered. 

Phil tugged himself out of bed, stretching again. “You have class today?” 

“Not til noon,” Dan said. “You have an 8am on Tuesday and Thursday? No wonder Thursday’s stoner day.” 

Phil chuckled at this, voice low and gravelly. “Honestly. How do students manage _without_ weed?” 

Dan looked up at him with one eye, the other half of his face buried in a pillow. He grinned. “Therapists, maybe.” 

“Oh, shut up.” 

Dan rolled over, stretching his arms out above his head. He groaned with the stretch, and the blanket fell off his bare chest. “Make me.” 

Phil smiled. “I’ve got to get ready.” 

Dan seemed to ponder that for a second. “Alright,” he said. “I should probably head home, then.” 

“I mean, you can stay. I think my flatmates all have 8ams too,” Phil said. 

Dan smiled at this. “Nah, mate,” he said, pulling his clothes on quickly. He stood after sliding his untied shoes on and grinned, walking over to Phil. “See you this afternoon for stoner day, yeah?” 

Dan pressed a kiss to Phil’s lips before walking out, leaving Phil just a little bit stunned. 

~•~•~ 

Phil felt oddly surprised when Dan showed up at his place and climbed into the van as per their usual. He was equal parts glad that nothing had seemed to change between them and afraid that nothing would change at all, and the night would go unmentioned. 

Dan fell onto the couch, sighing. “It’s been a long week,” Dan said, but he smiled. “I could honestly finish off an entire joint myself right now if you’ve got a fresh one.” 

Phil raised an eyebrow. “You sure?” he asked. “I know how you get when you’re properly high.” 

“What?” Dan teased. “Don’t think you can handle me?” 

Phil felt himself blush. He turned to find a cone and pack it. He could feel Dan’s eyes on him, soft and fond in a way they hadn’t been for a while. Perhaps it was fear for what that meant that made Phil deflect. “What about James?” he asked, pressing weed into the cone and packing it tightly. 

He could feel Dan’s frown without turning his head. “He’s off at some training seminar for the internship he’s taking,” Dan said, sighing. “Wouldn’t shut up about it before he left. Is it terrible that his success makes me bitter? You know what, don’t answer that. Have you got the joint?” 

“Calm your tits,” Phil said. “This is an art.” 

“Oh, piss off,” Dan said with a grin. He stood, moving up beside Phil. “Let me do it, yeah?” 

“Fine. Don’t waste my weed.” 

Dan frowned, gesturing to the floor of the van where quite a bit of the ground weed had fallen.

“Well, don’t waste any more,” Phil said, sheepish. 

Dan giggled. “You’re literally such a mess, sit down.” 

Phil sat down, letting Dan finish the joint he’d started. He looked Dan over, unable to help himself. He was tall, his legs long, his frame skinny and a little bit narrow. He was actually much broader than Phil remembered from secondary school. His jeans sagged below his waist, showing off his bright purple underwear. Phil wasn’t sure he’d even tried to use his belt properly. 

Dan wiggled his bum. “Getting an eyeful, mate?” he asked, voice teasing. 

Phil knew he must have been blushing an embarrassingly dark shade, so he was glad Dan didn’t turn around, “Hey,” Phil whined. “I never mention it when you’re looking at me all googly eyed.” As soon as he said it, it felt weird. Everything here felt weird. Saying these sorts of things aloud had become taboo. Phil was afraid he was doing something very wrong and that any moment Dan would call him out for it. 

“What if I want you to?” Dan answered, finishing up. He had managed to shove quite a lot of weed into the small joint wrap. Phil had ordered it online from a seller who listed it as ‘tobacco wraps.’ He twisted the cone shut. 

Phil didn’t know how to respond to that, so he didn’t. Dan turned around and sat beside him, grabbing a lighter. He brought the joint to his lips and sparked the lighter. 

“You have to baptize it,” Phil said, stopping him. 

“Oh,” Dan answered. He looked to Phil, making eye contact. He pressed the lighting end of the joint past his lips and into his mouth, lightly wetting the outside. It was meant to make the joint burn longer, though Dan wasn’t sure that it really made a difference. He slid the joint back out through his lips slowly, watching Phil’s reaction. Phil swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he did. 

Dan then brought the filter tip of the joint to his lips, lighting it up and inhaling deeply. He coughed, drag having been a bit overzealous. He handed the joint to Phil, body shaking with the coughs. 

Phil chuckled. “Nice one mate. Water’s over there.” He gestured to the icebox beside the couch. 

“Thanks mate,” Dan attempted to say between coughs. 

Phil shook his head, taking a drag that was a bit less eager, and Dan composed himself enough to take the joint back and take another, shorter, drag. They continued on like this, giggling between hits at trivial things. They slowly ended up moving closer and closer to each other. At some point, Dan had ended up pressed into Phil’s side. 

Phil went to hand Dan the joint for another hit, but he made a whiny sort of sound, not moving to take it. He opened his lips, leaning toward Phil. It took Phil a moment to understand what he wanted, before he brought the joint to Dan’s lips with his own hand. Dan took a drag, exhaled, and hummed contentedly, leaning his head against Phil’s shoulder. 

Dan’s arm moved over, his hand resting on Phil’s chest. “You’re comfy,” he mentioned softly. “Weren’t this comfy in high school.” 

Phil let go of his own drag, chuckling a little. “Pretty sure I was just bones back then.” 

“Mm,” Dan hummed, moving his hand down. He slid his hand up beneath Phil’s shirt. “You’ve a tummy now.” 

Phil felt himself blush at that. “Dan,” he whined. 

“I like it,” Dan assured. “Wanna kiss it.” He rubbed his hand over the soft flesh and the scratchy hair that led from Phil’s belly button down into his jeans. He leaned in closer and dusted his lips over Phil’s neck, humming. 

“Dan, you’re a little out of it, I think,” Phil said, having a hard time thinking clearly himself. He meant to pull away, but his body didn’t quite follow his command. Everything felt tingly and nice and warm. Dan was so warm. “We probably shouldn’t.” 

“No,” Dan whined. “No, wanted you before. Before smoking. That’s why I come here, Phil. I’s why I always come here. I want you.” 

Dan was basically whining against Phil’s neck, and Phil couldn’t help but giggle at the sensation. Dan pouted. 

“It tickles,” Phil explained, not processing what Dan said right away. 

Had he said he wanted Phil before they started smoking? He had been flirting. Phil didn’t have the strength to hold Dan off anyways. He wanted this so badly. 

“Lemme blow you,” Dan breathed. “Please? You’re so pretty, Phil. Your cock’s so pretty. Want it in my mouth.” 

Phil nearly whined. He didn’t have a hope of resisting. “God, Dan,” Phil breathed. 

Dan pressed one more kiss to his neck before moving off the couch, slipping his hand out from beneath Phil’s shirt. He sat on his knees between Phil’s legs, leaning forward. He hiked up Phil’s shirt, pressing his lips to Phil’s soft stomach. He placed kiss after kiss on Phil’s tummy, biting lightly at places, sucking at others. He moved lazily, seemingly enjoying himself. 

Phil was enjoying himself too. He’d managed to smoke enough to make his whole body a little tingly. He felt it in his toes and his neck and between his legs. This was his favorite strain because of that possible effect. Dan’s lips were only accentuating the feeling. Once Dan moved to Phil’s cock, he knew he wasn’t going to last long at all. 

Dan seemed to recall what he’d originally planned to do after the fifth red mark against Phil’s stomach. He unbuttoned Phil’s jeans, looking up at Phil with wide eyes. He whined without words, tugging at the waist of Phil’s jeans. Phil lifted his hips, assisting in pulling the jeans down. Dan tugged Phil’s boxers down along with them, and Phil gasped as the cool air in the van surrounded him. 

The cool didn’t last long, though. He soon felt himself taken into the warm wetness of Dan’s mouth, gasping again, and exhaling in a long sigh, eyes falling closed. Dan dragged his tongue over the head of Phil’s cock, his movements still rather lazy and wet. He slid himself down Phil further, swallowing around him. 

Phil bit his lip, eyes screwed shut. His hands found their way to Dan’s hair and he slid his fingers through it. He gripped, tugging gently. Dan hummed at this, his eyelids fluttering. He moved down on Phil again, feeling his cock hit the back of his throat. He gagged slightly, pulling back a bit. Phil pet his hair, holding him where he was for a moment. Dan was sloppy and wet, licking and swallowing and sucking. It felt like heaven to Phil. 

Dan pulled off, eyes opening to take Phil in. Phil was already sweaty and red and panting. He brought his hand up to pump Phil’s cock before wrapping his lips around the head as Phil’s foreskin was pulled back. He dragged his tongue through the slit of Phil’s cock, sucking on just the head. He played around with Phil’s reactions, swirling his tongue, and pressing it up against the foreskin with every stroke of his hand. Phil was easy, inhaling sharply each time Dan changed the way he gave him pleasure. He whispered Dan’s name over and over. 

Dan pressed a kiss right to the tip of Phil’s cock, letting his lips spread around it and taking him down. Curiously, he gently moved his lips forward and dragged his bottom teeth the lightest bit against Phil. Phil properly whimpered at that, and then he was cumming in Dan’s mouth without warning. Dan just swallowed as Phil’s hips bucked slightly with the aftershocks. Dan pulled back, wiping his mouth, and looking over Phil again. 

Phil laid against the couch sagging and spent. He reached to push his hair off his sweaty forehead, cheeks beautifully red. Dan moved up to press a kiss to his lips. His tongue still tasted of cum, but Phil kissed him back anyways. They kept kissing, Dan crawling into Phil’s lap. They giggled at the gentle tickle of their lips pressed together and kissed again.

Eventually, Dan rolled off Phil to the side. “Phil,” he breathed whinily. He shoved his own pants down, leaning his head on Phil’s shoulder. He grabbed Phil’s wrist and led his hand to Dan’s hard cock. 

Phil spit on his own hand, bringing it to Dan’s cock and taking it in hand. 

“ _Ah_ ,” Dan breathed, obviously worked up. He buried his face in Phil’s shoulder. “Please,” he whispered. 

“Have you,” Phil promised, stroking Dan slowly. Dan’s hips twitched, and Phil dragged his fingernails up and down Dan’s back lightly as he jacked him off. Dan breathed shakily against Phil’s neck, and Phil began to move a bit quicker, twisting his hand on the upstroke. Dan whimpered. 

“Please, please, please,” he whispered. God, he sounded so beautiful. He begged for Phil like he was the only one who could possibly bring Dan pleasure. 

Phil moved his hand faster, watching Dan’s body shake with the intensity of the feeling combined with his high. Dan was cumming over his hand without warning, biting down on Phil’s shoulder and whimpering as he rode it out. 

Dan kept his face buried in Phil’s shoulder as he came down. “Okay,” he breathed after a moment. “This strain is good as hell.” 

Phil giggled, causing Dan to giggle. The two of them sat there for quite a while, holding onto each other and giggling. Dan pulled his pants back up and they giggled some more. Eventually, they made it up to Phil’s room where they marathoned a season of Friends. They fell asleep tangled together on Phil’s small bed. 

~•~•~ 

It felt like high school again. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Dan was spending all his free time around Phil. While they often found themselves pressed against one another in bed, sometimes they hung out like normal. Sometimes, Phil insisted that he needed to work on his English paper or study for his arts exam. Dan would open his law and geography books and sit beside Phil, and they would be together in comfortable silence. 

James returned from his training after a week. Dan was with Phil when he checked his phone. He sighed. 

“Gotta go,” he said quietly. “James’ll be home in twenty.” 

“Alright,” Phil said, voice only a little strained. 

Dan didn’t stand to leave. “He’s barely even texted me since he’s been gone,” he said. 

Phil didn’t know how he was mean to reply to that. He didn’t. 

“I don’t want to go,” Dan said quietly, staring at the doorway. 

Phil bit his lip. What was Dan trying to do here? Was he trying to get Phil to console him over the roughness of having to maintain a relationship while having a side fling with his best friend? If he wanted to hang out and have sex with Phil rather than greet his boyfriend who had been away for a week, he shouldn’t be with said boyfriend. Phil just swallowed. 

“I’ll see you later,” he said. 

Dan sighed loud enough to make sure that Phil heard. He grabbed his things and left. 

Phil didn’t know what to make of any of this. 

~•~•~ 

“Phil?” Dan asked. 

It had been two months. Phil was still waiting for something to shatter. Dan hadn’t panicked. He hadn’t said he had to stop seeing Phil. Still, Phil felt that something had to break at some point. They couldn’t go on like this forever. 

“Yeah?” Phil answered, sitting at his desk. Dan laid in his bed, having set his phone to the side. 

“I wanna keep doing this,” he said quietly. 

Phil knew what he meant. “Doing what?” he asked. 

“You know,” Dan said. “This. You and me.” 

A pause. 

“Okay.” Phil knew better than to get his hopes up. Dan’s relationship with commitment was rocky at best.

“I don’t want to hurt James,” Dan said, swallowing. He was looking down when Phil cast his eyes over. 

Phil sighed. He knew Dan was genuinely a good person, and that he didn’t maliciously choose to hurt anyone. Dan was just never one to ignore his impulses or follow anything rather than his heart. His heart seemed a bit caught in between things at the moment. Between law and his actual passions. Between coming out to his family and letting them believe he was the perfect, law-studying, heterosexual child who would settle down with a nice girl and pop out some kids. Between his crowded but somehow lonely uni hall, Phil’s apartment, and James’s. Between the man who had swept him off his feet and fallen in love with him and tried to make him better, and the man who had enabled his vices and fallen in love with him and let him be whoever he wanted to be. 

“Maybe you could talk to James about an open relationship?” Phil offered. The idea of sharing Dan made him sick, but he was doing it anyways. At least this way he wouldn’t feel as guilty. 

Dan smiled a little, looking toward Phil. “I don’t think he’s that kind of guy.” 

“Oh.” 

Dan paused. His eyes flicked up to meet Phil’s. “I…I don’t think I’m that kind of guy.” 

Phil couldn’t even begin to guess what that meant. Here Dan was with Phil, his boyfriend across town. He obviously had room for a few. Phil had known Dan for almost four years and he still had no idea what to make of him. The worst part was how badly Phil wanted to keep knowing him, to keep trying to understand. 

Phil wanted to get angry, to ask Dan what the hell he wanted from Phil, to say he had no right to say that he didn’t want to hurt James when he knew what he was doing. He didn’t. He stood and walked over to Dan. He pressed a kiss to Dan’s lips and looked into his eyes for a moment. 

“You should get going.” 

~•~•~ 

_spot_ -DH 

Phil swallowed, pressing his head back against the pillow. He hadn’t seen Dan in a few days aside from texts that were mostly memes and pictures of various dogs they found around campus. Dan hadn’t texted him back today, even when Phil managed to capture a picture of the elusive corgi service animal some girl at school had. 

Because Phil knew what these signs meant, he had to go and meet Dan. 

He grabbed a joint and a lighter from his drawer, as well as his backpack, before heading downstairs and outside. He lit up the joint as he walked, taking two hits before putting it out. Hopefully, it would be enough to loosen the knots that had tied themselves in his abdomen. He pocketed the put-out joint and lighter, coming up on the park. 

Sitting on the bench was Dan, staring unblinking at the cement. He wore a short sleeve shirt, despite the chill in the air. Phil made a mental note to add a jacket to the backpack of “things for when Dan’s freaking out in the middle of the night.” Phil walked up slowly and sat down beside Dan. 

“Hey,” he breathed quietly. 

“Hi,” Dan answered, voice barely there. 

Phil unzipped the backpack, grabbing a chocolate bar. He handed it to Dan. Dan took it, peeling away the plastic and taking a bite. After his third bite, a tear fell down his cheek. Phil tensed, the knots in his abdomen tightening a bit again. Dan didn’t often cry when he was upset, and when he did it dug its way into Phil’s heart. 

“I’m really sad, Phil,” Dan said quietly. 

Phil bit his lip, leg shaking as he tried to think of a good response. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly. 

Dan took another bite of chocolate, chewing it thoughtfully. He sighed. “I’m mad at James.” 

“Yeah?” Phil asked softly, watching Dan’s face carefully. 

Another tear slipped down his cheek. “Sometimes I—I feel like he…he only loves me on my good days,” Dan said. “You know?” He sobbed then, properly. “It’s not just him, it’s…I—I know I’m a mess and a—a bad person, but I—” He sobbed again. “I’m allowed to have bad days, aren’t I?” 

Phil didn’t have time to formulate a reply before Dan began crying properly, continuing. 

“Am I being stupid? Is my brain so fucking messed up that I can’t even tell what normal people are supposed to do? Or feel? Am I so goddamn unlovable that the only time anyone cares about me is when I’m pretending?” He was rambling now, not all his words making proper sense. He leaned into Phil. “Is it so fucking bad to want to be allowed to be sad? To be angry? To be depressed or scared or anxious or to break down at 3am because I can’t stop—” He grabbed Phil’s shirt, balling his fist. “S-stop thinking about some dumbass kid in high school’s hands around my throat calling me fucking gay?” His voice broke on the word and he had to stop for a moment to catch his breath. “I’m just…” He trailed off, sobbing again.

Phil held him close, tightly. He sounded so _sad_ and Phil hated it. He hated it because it hurt to hear him sob, to see him cry, and to feel how alone and hopeless Dan felt. 

“W-Why do I have to be happy and fun and interesting for—for people to care?” He began to run out of steam. His angry sobs turned into soft cries. His voice sounded small, pleading. “Where are the people who say they love me when I can’t stop crying? Or when I just want to scream? Or when I feel so goddamn uncomfortable inside of my body that I want to throw myself off a bridge, so I don’t have to deal anymore? W-W-Where are they right now?” 

Phil swallowed. He didn’t know what else to say aside from, “I’m right here.” 

Dan tried to smile and sobbed, holding onto Phil. “God,” he cried. “Thank you, Phil,” he whispered, cheeks wet against Phil’s neck. “Why _are_ you here anyways?” 

_Because I fucking love you, you idiot_. 

“I know how it feels.”

Dan clung tighter to Phil. “I—I care about you on your bad days too,” he said. “I promise.” He buried his face in Phil’s shoulder, wiping his cheeks on Phil’s shirt. “I promise,” he repeated. 

Phil smiled sadly, stroking Dan’s back. “Thank you, Dan.” 

“Can I—” Dan stopped, taking a deep breath. “Can I stay with you tonight?” he asked quietly. 

Phil smiled in a sad sort of way. “Of course.” 

Dan pressed himself against Phil in Phil’s bed that night. He held onto Phil, breathed Phil in, listened to the heart beating where he laid his head on Phil’s chest. He fell asleep when his tears had stopped and his breathing had leveled.

~•~•~ 

“He wants to go to couple’s therapy.” Dan said the words with no prompting, sitting beside Phil in the van, both wearing only pants as they slouched on the couch. He brought the pipe to his lips, inhaling deeply. 

Phil swallowed. “Oh.” 

Dan handed the pipe to Phil before exhaling. “You can laugh,” he said. “My life’s fucking ridiculous. What am I doing?” 

Phil didn’t want to laugh, he wanted to be sick. The idea of Dan’s boyfriend trying so hard to fix things between he and Dan, not knowing that Dan had already given up on them. It wasn’t funny, it was depressing. Phil felt dirty sitting here beside a man whose boyfriend could be sat at home looking through lists of couple’s counselors, when the two of them had just brought one and other off for the umpteenth time. 

“What did you say?” Phil asked before taking a hit himself. 

“I said I’d think about it.” 

Phil hummed half-heartedly. 

“And I haven’t. Thought about it, that is,” Dan added. “I’ve just…thought about you instead,” he said quietly, looking up at the ceiling. 

Phil closed his eyes and took in a slow breath. As if Dan even had to try to charm him with such stupid little lies. Phil was wrapped around Dan’s fucking finger. He knew he would watch this thing between them burn and break so long as he got to watch it with Dan. 

So, like always, Phil gave in. He rolled over, pressing a kiss to Dan lips. 

~•~•~ 

Phil was getting tired of this. Of the sneaking about and listening to Dan talk about James. Listening to him _complain_ about James. It all felt so wrong. He told himself that he would tell Dan that he had to choose. Promised himself that he wouldn’t do this anymore. But every time Dan touched him or kissed him or said something that made him laugh, Phil decided he could wait it out. 

He knew why he didn’t confront Dan. He knew why he waited. 

If he told Dan to choose between, he and James, Dan might choose James. 

Phil didn’t know what he would do then. 

“You know, Phil, we’re the bad guys here,” Dan said quietly, gazing at the ceiling. 

Phil felt a jolt of annoyance run through him at this. Phil didn’t feel like a bad guy. He had never wanted to be a bad guy. He’d waited for Dan. He had ignored his feelings until Dan decided to break up with his girlfriend in high school. He’d tried his best to put a cap on them when Dan started dating James. Phil didn’t want to be the bad guy. He just wanted Dan. Just wanted Dan’s eyes and his smile and his dimples and his stubbornness and his sexiness and his passion and his fear and his uncertainty and his laugh and his ambitions and his secret soft-spoken dreams. Phil wanted Dan. 

Phil just wished that Dan knew if he wanted Phil. 

“Does he take care of you?” Phil asked, rolling over. Couldn’t Dan just pick Phil? Couldn’t he just somehow fall as deeply in love with Phil as Phil was with him? Couldn’t he just hear this question and think for a moment? Couldn’t he say, “ _Well, Phil, I thought he did, but no one has ever made me feel as loved as you have_?” 

Dan swallowed noticeably before sitting up. “I should go.” 

Phil sighed. “I know.” He reached up to rub his stupidly wet eyes. 

Dan stood, pulling on his clothes. A tense silence hung between them and Phil hated it. He never should have let his confusing attraction toward Dan fuck with their friendship. Now he was afraid everything might get broken. Dan grabbed his bag, and Phil watched him, certain his eyes gave away whatever strange feelings he was having as he watched. 

Just before walking out, Dan looked back to Phil. “You—” He sighed. “You’re not a bad guy, Phil.” He said quickly before rushing out. 

~•~•~ 

_age: 18_

“Do you think we’ll be friends forever?” Dan asked, and it was ironic. There they were, arms wrapped around each other, skin still hot from what they’d just done. How they’d just touched one and other. Friends. Phil chuckled just a little. 

“Yeah,” Phil said. “Why wouldn’t we be?” 

Dan looked up into Phil’s eyes. “Maybe if we were something other than friends,” he said. 

Phil just grinned. “Like enemies?” 

Dan pressed a short kiss to his lips. “Best friends?” 

“Friends with benefits?” Phil retorted. 

Dan moved his naked body further into Phil’s, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. The cold was starting to nip at his skin as the warmth wore off. “What’re the benefits?” Dan teased. “Weed?” 

“Yeah, I’ll give you a discount,” Phil replied. 

“My mum will be so happy,” Dan said, yawning. 

Phil chuckled, pulling a blanket over the two of them as they laid in his bedroom. Summer was just beginning, but Phil had the sinking feeling that change was coming faster than he could handle. The two of them were meant to start university this fall. They would move to the city. Real life would drag them in and maybe break them in the process. 

But now, Dan was naked in Phil’s bed. Phil was naked beside him, holding onto him. And Phil thought that maybe he’d gotten good enough at shoving his feelings beneath facades and highs that he could still have Dan in his life. Phil kissed Dan on the neck, over a mark he’d made while they fucked. He wondered what was worse for his young self. The weed he let into his lungs, or the boy he let into his heart. 

~•~•~ 

_present_

Phil held a joint in his hand, freshly rolled. It was the same stuff that he and Dan had smoked a few months ago just before one of the nicest blowjobs of Phil’s life. Whether that was because of the weed or just Dan, he was eager to recreate the circumstances. The issue was that he had been waiting for Dan for nearly an hour now, but he hadn’t showed. 

Phil gave in, pulling up Dan’s contact and calling him. The phone rang three times before Phil got an answer. “Are you blowing me off?” Phil asked when he heard the phone pick up. 

He heard a sigh over the line. “ _I’m just busy_ ,” Dan said. 

“Too busy to answer my texts?” Phil asked, chuckling a little to make the conversation feel less serious, despite wanting a serious answer. “Jimmy really coming down that hard on you to study?” 

“ _It’s James_ ,” Dan corrected snappily, for the very first time. “ _And no. I just have a lot of studying that I need to get done if I want to actually be able to take the Bar next year_.” 

Phil tried to breeze past Dan’s irritated tone. He laced his own tone with humor. “Dan? Is that you? Cough twice if James is holding you hostage and forcing you to read contracts,” he teased. 

Dan sighed again. “ _Phil, I’ll talk to you later, okay_ ?” he said. “ _We’re not smoking today. Or maybe ever again, I don’t know. James has certainly let me know that he doesn’t like me getting high with you all the time_.” 

Phil bit his lip, stomach tightening with anxiety. “Have you told him it helps you?” 

Dan laughed a little. “ _We both know that’s bullshit, Phil. It might help you, or whatever, but…_ ” He sighed. “ _Besides, you know it’s not really the weed that he’s worried about. And we both know he has a right to be worried_.” 

Phil swallowed. “You shouldn’t let him control where you go and what you do.” 

Dan laughed a bit. “ _Jesus, Phil, he’s the only one in my life who actually cares about me, and about my future_.” 

“I care,” Phil said, feeling a mix of defeat and anger that Dan didn’t see him as caring. 

“ _Maybe_ ,” Dan agreed. 

“Definitely,” Phil replied firmly, a bit put off. “Would you really think that I don’t care? You think that all I want to do is have a stoner buddy and flirt and fuck and I just so happened to choose you? Dan, you’re my best friend. I...” Phil sighed. “I thought we were still...best friends.” 

Dan swallowed and then chuckled just a little. “ _We were never good at being friends, Phil_.” 

“You were the best friend I ever had,” Phil said quietly. 

There was silence on both ends of the phone for a moment. 

“Whatever then,” Phil said, irritation quickly taking over. “We don’t have to smoke anymore. You don’t have to see me anymore and lead me on anymore. You can just pretend to be happy with James. I don’t care. Next time you want me to make you feel better because your boyfriend isn’t cutting it, I just won’t fucking come.” He hung up, tossing aside his phone. 

He fell to a sitting position on the van’s couch, burying his face in his hands. “Fuck,” he breathed. He replayed the conversation in his head, realizing what he’d done. He might have just lost Dan forever. “ _Fuck_ ,” he cried through a sob, falling to his side on the bed. 

God, university was supposed to be freedom for them both, but Phil had never felt more trapped by his own feelings. He wanted Dan more than he’d ever wanted anyone. Though, having Dan partially, in the only way that Phil could, almost hurt worse than not having him. So, all Phil had was this. This desperate, yearning, empty feeling that would never be satisfied. 

~•~•~ 

Phil just wanted to sleep, when it hit him again. Dan hadn’t spoken to him at all in a few days. Phil hadn’t tried to contact him either. He was lying in bed, and he noticed his green sweater on the floor. It was technically Phil’s, though it hadn’t been in his possession in quite a while. This was because Dan had taken it from him the night of their graduation. It had their secondary school logo on it, and it was for all intents and purposes quite ugly, but Dan had been cold that night and Phil had been wearing it, so he gave it to Dan. Dan never gave it back. 

Until now, it seemed. 

Phil started at the jumper, tears springing to his eyes unwarranted. Dan had a habit of wearing the sweater when he was sad. A few of his times showing up at their spot for comfort he’d been wearing it. Phil didn’t really know how it had gotten on his floor. He didn’t remember seeing Dan wear it. 

What if Dan had left it here? Finally given it back? Was this his way of letting Phil go? Letting go of everything? Even their past together? 

Phil’s stomach felt like it was going to burst from how tight and knotted it was. It didn’t, though. It remained there, uncomfortably pre-burst. 

He’d lost Dan. 

Phil stood up, not sure what he was doing. Something had come over him. Something cold and unpleasant, something scary and overwhelming. He grabbed the green sweater, pulling it over his head. It was warm, still fuzzy on the inside. 

It smelled like Dan. 

Phil pushed through the door of his bedroom and down the stairs to the sidewalk outside. 

Dan was gone. He chose James over Phil. Phil wasn’t good enough for him. 

He was never good enough. 

He wasn’t good enough for school. Wasn’t good enough for a job. He would probably have to move in with his family again after his degree because he still had no clue what he wanted to do with his life. He wasn’t good enough a son. Wasn’t good enough a friend. Wasn’t good enough a boyfriend, that was why Dan always avoided that word with him. Phil just wasn’t good enough for life. Maybe he’d been made wrong and he just couldn’t do it the way that everyone else seemed to be able to. 

Phil continued walking quickly, shoes slapping hard against the pavement. 

He was weak, he missed class, got scared when speaking in front of people, wasn’t especially good at making friends, _fell in love too easy_. 

Phil’s breath was uneven, and his heart was beating fast when he finally collapsed on a bench. On _the_ bench. The one beneath the cherry blossom tree in the park. 

Phil bit back a sob. 

His and Dan’s spot. 

Phil fumbled to pull out his phone, surprised that he’d even remembered to grab it in his mess. He pulled up Dan’s contact. 

_Spot pleasr_ -PL

He typed with shaking hands, pressing send. 

He stared at the screen for two minutes, trying to calm his breathing. 

_can’t. i’m with james._ -DH 

Phil choked on a sob at his reply. Dan knew what Phil meant. He knew that their ‘spot’ had at some point become a code word for ‘please I can’t be alone right now.’ He knew that Phil wouldn’t have asked him to come if he hadn’t needed him, especially after what Phil had said to him. He had mentioned James just to hurt Phil. Phil didn’t understand how he was the bad guy. All he wanted was Dan. All he had ever wanted was Dan. 

_Please_ -PL 

Dan didn’t reply. 

One minute. 

Two minutes. 

Three minutes. 

Four minutes. 

Five minutes. 

Dan wasn’t going to reply. Phil was alone tonight. The only other person he could think of calling was his mum, but he couldn’t very well say anything to her. ‘ _Hey, mum, turns out I fancy boys, hope you still love me. Oh, also, I’m in love with my best friend and I can’t picture a happy world without him but he’s with someone else and also probably never going to see me again_ , _so please console me in the exact way that I hope you will or it’ll make everything worse.’_

Phil collapsed into sobs. What would he do without Dan? Dan had been something for him that he would never be able to find anywhere else. A companion, a lover, a _soulmate_. He made Phil laugh. He could keep up with Phil’s sometimes messily articulated ideas. He was fast and fun. He was sweet and understanding. Except when he was an enormous dick. 

God, he could be a dick. Phil was always there for Dan. Always. But Dan couldn’t seem to answer his fucking phone when Phil needed him. Why did Phil let himself get so fucking gone for Dan? 

Phil wasn’t sure quite how much time had passed when he looked up from his knees to wipe his eyes and saw someone. His initial reaction was another jolt of anxiety at someone seeing him like this. Someone approaching him when he was this vulnerable. He couldn’t think of one good scenario that would come of the approaching figure until the figure got close enough for Phil to recognize. He let out a sob, almost reaching out for him. 

“Oh dear,” Dan’s voice spoke softly, and it was sort of infuriating, but more so comforting. He took a seat beside Phil on the bench. “Hey,” he greeted gently. 

Phil realized then what a mess he must have looked. Dan was here now, but Phil was such a mess. Phil was so stupid. He was weak and annoying. He clawed at his knees through his jeans, burying his face in them. He choked on a sob. 

“Phil, Phil, hey,” Dan breathed. “Shit,” he sounded as if he meant to say that to himself, as if he was just realizing that this was bad, and that Phil was fully freaking out. 

Phil felt like he was fully freaking out. He wanted to lean into Dan, to take the comfort that he needed, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. He hadn’t felt this messed up in ages. He couldn’t catch his breath. 

Dan moved closer, resting a gentle hand on his back. “Phil,” he said, voice firm but gentle. “Have you got any weed on you? Have you tried that? Just to calm you down a little?” 

Phil sobbed, shaking his head. “I-I’m tired of smoking Dan. I—I want to feel okay without being high. I—I was doing so _good_ and then you—you fucked it all up.” 

Dan bit his lip. “I’m sorry Phil, I’m sorry,” he said. “Just tell me how I can help, yeah? I’ll stop doing whatever it is that’s hurting you, I swear,” he spoke quickly and anxiously, trying to correct the situation, to make Phil okay. 

“You can’t!” Phil cried. 

God, Dan had fucked up. He wanted to make things right. “What do you mean? I can stop seeing you, Phil. We can go back to being friends. I-I can fix this.” 

“No, you can’t!” Phil near-shouted. 

“Why?” Dan asked, eyes wide as he stared at Phil, begging for a solution to their situation. 

“Because as long as you can’t stop being Dan, I can’t stop being in love with you!” It was frustration more than anything that had him admit it. Phil was fucking tired of tiptoeing around it. He was in love with Dan and he wished to hell he wasn’t. 

Dan sucked in a breath. “You…you’re in love with me?” 

Phil laughed bitterly, though it came out more like a sob. “Jesus Christ don’t act surprised,” he managed breathlessly. 

Dan sighed, tears slipping down his own cheeks. “I…Look, Phil, I didn’t—You should’ve told me.” 

God, Phil had just said the words aloud. There was no taking them back now. Fuck fuck. He felt nauseous. Fuck. “No, I shouldn’t have. Fuck.” Phil doubled over, squeezing his eyes shut. God, he wanted Dan to leave. “Shut up. Shut up. Just shut up.” 

“Okay,” Dan murmured. 

Phil sat shaking and nauseous, the occasional whimper slipping past his lips as he tried to calm himself. “I hate you,” Phil spoke, voice too small and broken to come across as angry. 

“I’m sorry,” Dan mumbled. 

Phil let go of a sob at the words. _I’m sorry I don’t love you, Phil_ . That was what he was saying, wasn’t it? _I’m sorry I led you on. I’m sorry I made a lovesick idiot of you just to watch you break apart. I’m sorry I’ll never love you the same._

Phil properly fell into tears and sobs, letting out the entirety of the emotions he’d been trying to ignore. “I want to die,” Phil cried. 

Dan tensed. “You don’t mean that,” he murmured. 

Phil sobbed shaking his head. “I hate this. I hate you. I want to go home.” 

“I can bring you back to your place,” Dan said quietly. 

“No,” Phil said through a sob. Dan didn’t love him. Their friendship was ruined. Phil had school on Monday. He had a life he needed to do something with and aspirations that were unrealistic. Phil would have been happy in that moment to lay down on the grass and never get up again. He couldn’t uncurl from a ball, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, so the plan was put on hold until he gained the senses to be able to lie down and wither away the way his heart already felt like it had. 

“I wanna die,” Phil sobbed again. He gripped his hair in fists. “I wanna die, I wanna die, I wanna die, I wanna die,” he began repeating the phrase as he tugged at his hair. His stomach was in knots, his head was a mess, and his heart was lying somewhere on the ground after being ripped out by Dan’s gentle fingers and tossed aside like the butt of one of their goddamned joints. God, Phil wasn’t even good for burning anymore. 

Someone’s hands were on him. Dan’s hands wrapped around his wrists. “Phil. Phil. Look at me.” 

“ _No_!” Phil cried, pushing Dan forcefully away. “Leave me alone! Go away!” 

Dan held his hands up, moving away “Phil,” he said, voice firm and calm. 

“Fuck _off_!” Phil cried. 

“Do you want me to call one of your flatmates?” Dan asked. 

“No,” Phil cried, clutching his hair in his hands again and rocking as he cried. 

“Do you want me to call 999?” 

“ _No_ ,” he sobbed. 

“Okay, then you know I can’t leave you alone.” 

“You don’t care,” Phil whimpered, voice thick with tears and slurred. Snot and tears were covering Phil’s face and he wiped his cheek against his own knee. 

“What, Phil?” Dan asked softly, unable to understand his words. 

“You don’t care!” Phil repeated in a cry. 

Dan swallowed sitting up. “Fuck off.” 

Phil whimpered, confused. 

“No. Phil, you can call me an asshole and kick and scream and hate me all you want, but don’t you dare fucking say I don’t care about you,” Dan said, voice shaking as he spoke. 

Phil continued to cry. He hurt, and he was scared, and he wanted to die, and he felt like throwing up, and he couldn’t breathe. Dan was right there saying that he cared, but Phil was so confused. 

Dan took in a deep breath. “Phil, I love you. I love you too, okay?” he admitted with a sigh. 

A sob tore out of Phil’s throat and he began hitting his fists against his head as he cried. “No! No, no, no, no,” he repeated brokenly. Dan didn’t love him he was just saying that to get Phil to calm down. Dan was lying. 

“Phil. Phil, god, _look_ at me.” 

Phil tried to focus on Dan in the dim light and blink through his tears. Tears stained Dan’s cheeks as he looked back at Phil. Dan was crying. Had Phil made Dan cry? That was a change of pace. 

“I love you, Phil. I love you. Okay? I love you. You’re the most important person in my life, you’re my best friend, and it’s going to be okay, because—because I’m here and—and I _love_ _you_ ,” Dan’s voice was nearly as shaky as Phil’s. He grabbed one of Phil’s hands to hold it between his. 

“I-I-I—” Phil tried to speak through his sobs. 

“Shh,” Dan hushed. “Shh. You’re okay. You’re not going to die. I’m not going to leave you. We’re okay. We’re gonna be okay,” Dan said. 

Phil was confused, so fucking anxious, and so tired. He didn’t really understand what Dan was saying, what Dan meant, but he let Dan tug him in. He let Dan wrap his arms around him. He let Dan tuck Phil’s head beneath his chin. He let himself get snot and tears all over Dan’s t-shirt and he let himself feel the rise of Dan’s chest as he breathed. 

Phil didn’t know how long they stayed like that. Eventually he was clinging to Dan more desperately than Dan had been to him. He approached calmness in a ‘two steps forward and one back’ kind of way, collapsing into sobs again once he remembered how upset he had been moments before. He allowed himself to try and sync his breaths with Dan’s, to focus on the warmth Dan was exuding. He cried until he had nothing left in him, collapsing against Dan. 

“M’so tired,” Phil breathed. 

“Yeah,” Dan breathed. “Would you like me to stay the night at your place?” 

Phil held onto Dan tighter, squeezing his eyes shut. “What about James?” 

“I’m worried about you right now,” Dan murmured. “I’ll text him. He’ll understand.” 

Phil sniffled. He buried his face in Dan’s shoulder. “He will?” 

“He knows how much I care about you,” Dan said quietly. 

Phil swallowed, nuzzling against Dan’s shoulder. If only James did know exactly how much Dan cared about Phil. 

“Come on, love,” Dan murmured. “Let’s head back.” 

Dan held onto Phil’s hand as they stood up. He glanced Phil over. “Hey,” he said softly. “That’s my sweater.” 

Phil frowned. “N-no it isn’t. It’s mine. You stole it from me, remember?” 

Dan smiled, looking into Phil’s eyes. “Yeah,” he said. “Graduation. Stole it fair and square. It’s my Phil sweater.” He reached up to drag a gentle thumb beneath Phil’s eye, wiping away some of the tears. “But we can share it, I guess.” 

Phil threw himself into Dan’s arms without any thought. Dan remembered, and Dan cared, and Dan _loved_ him. He choked on another sob, emotion making its way up his throat again. 

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil and held him tightly, swaying the both of them just a bit. 

“Dan, I _want_ you,” Phil cried, squeezing his arms around Dan. 

“I know,” Dan said gently. “I’ll figure it out,” he said, rubbing Phil’s back. “I’ll stay.” 

Phil let out a breath against Dan’s neck before breathing him in. “Promise?” 

“Yeah,” Dan breathed. “I promise.” 

~•~•~ 

Phil woke up alone. He checked his phone, momentarily panicking at the time before realizing that it was Sunday, he didn’t have any classes to worry about, and he could just feel somewhat shitty all day if he wanted to. He fell back into his bed, sighing. He still felt exhausted, but more so emotionally than physically. 

He reached to grab his glasses off the bedside, and he found Dan’s phone sat just beside them. Dan was here, then. Warmth welled in Phil’s chest at the realization. 

Phil slowly became aware of voices in the next room, speaking quietly. One of them was his flatmate’s, but it quickly faded out and another voice took over. This voice carried easier. It was a bit deeper and a bit louder. 

“ _Do you think he’d mind if I popped in to say hello?_ ” 

James? 

“ _I think he’s still asleep_ ,” Dan’s voice answered. “ _You can try_.” 

Then there were footsteps in the hallway. Phil was tempted to pretend to still be asleep, but he sat up instead. He tried to sort out his hopelessly messy hair and hoped there wasn’t still snot and tears caked on his face. 

The door opened slowly. “Phil?” James called softly. 

“James,” Phil said, voice not all there. 

“Hey,” James greeted, stepping into the room. “I, uh, came by to see Dan before heading down south. He said you had a rough night last night?” 

Phil sort of felt like he owed James an explanation. “Oh, yeah. Just, like, anxiety stuff. I’ve had it since I was a kid. Sometimes it just piles up and I, like, panic, you know?” 

James nodded sympathetically. “Man, that’s rough,” he said, but it sounded genuine. “If you ever want any help with it, I could probably—actually, you know what? I think I have a card for my therapist’s practice.” He pulled out his wallet and fished out a card. He smiled, handing it to Phil. “Uh, here. Just in case you ever want to check it out. Everyone over there is super nice.” 

Phil was a bit too surprised to properly react, taking the card. “Wow, uh, thanks. I appreciate it.” 

“Also, shot in the dark but, sometimes when I’m anxious I, uh, I watch those painting tutorial things. Like Bob Ross and shit. I dunno man, but it works.” 

Phil grinned. “I’ll have to try that. Maybe the happy little trees are the key.” 

“I’m telling you, mate.” James grinned as well. “I’ll see you later, then, Phil.” 

“Yeah. Thanks.” 

Phil heard James say goodbye to Dan, pictured the somewhat awkward interaction. When the front door shut, Dan returned to Phil’s bedroom. 

“Hey,” Dan breathed softly. “I’m sorry about that. I actually should’ve told you he was here before letting him come say hi, in hindsight.” He sat beside Phil on the mattress, looking over at him. 

“It’s alright,” Phil said. “He’s a good guy.” 

Dan nodded. “Way too good for me,” he said quietly. “You both are.” 

Phil frowned. He knew they joked, but Dan sounded far too genuine. “I don’t think it’s that,” Phil said. “Sometimes two good people can not work out together.” 

“I’m not a good person, Phil.” 

“Don’t say that,” Phil said. “You’re sweet. You’re thoughtful and kind. You showed up for me last night even when it inconvenienced you.” 

“It didn’t inconvenience me,” Dan said. “I enjoy being around you, no matter what.” 

Phil smiled. “See? That’s a very nice thing to say!” 

“Yeah, well, that’s just ‘cause I’m madly in love with you,” Dan argued. 

Phil’s heart skipped a beat. _Oh_. Dan had meant what he said last night, and he’d meant it in the exact way that Phil had hoped. Fuck. Phil swallowed. They couldn’t do this, not properly, until Dan was free to be Phil’s and Phil’s only.

“You messed up, Dan. You got scared. You didn’t want to hurt James, you didn’t want to face your feelings, and in trying to avoid all that you hurt James worse. You fucked up. Now, you’ve got to be a good person and own up to it.” 

Dan nodded. “You’re right.” 

Phil moved a bit closer and leaned his head on Dan’s shoulder. Dan pulled in a breath. 

“I hurt you, too, didn’t I?”

Phil cast his eyes downward.

“It’s scarier to be in love than to settle,” Dan admitted. “You’ve always been braver than me.” 

Phil nearly snorted at that. Dan had been the one running around flirting with boys and getting tongue piercings. Phil wouldn’t have even realized he was gay back then if Dan hadn’t stolen his heart so effortlessly. He was sure he would have continued to repress and deny.

“You moved away from your family, pursued what you wanted to pursue, stayed friends with me even though I’ve been a mess and an asshole to you. And all I’ve done is fail and being what my parents want me to be and break beautiful boys’ hearts,” Dan said. 

Phil didn’t know what to say. 

“I—I think I’m gonna try and catch James before he leaves.” 

Dan stood. He quickly grabbed his backpack and sent Phil an uncertain smile before walking out the door.

~•~•~

“James?” Dan called, stepping into the flat.

It appeared that he’d managed to catch his boyfriend before he left. He was visiting his parents this week for his mother’s birthday, as next week he would be starting his new job here in Manchester.

Now was as good a time as any other, wasn't it? Besides, James was out to his mother, so he could spend the week telling her how much of an asshole Dan was and receiving comfort.

“Bedroom,” James called, and Dan walked down the hall to find him, throwing clothes into a suitcase. “Hey!” he said, grinning. “Come to see me off?”

Dan swallowed. “No. I mean, yeah. I, uh, I wanted to talk to you. Before you left.”

“Oh,” James said quietly, his smile falling a bit. He sat on the bed, looking at Dan. “Listen, Dan, I’m sorry.”

Dan frowned. “What?” he asked eloquently. What on Earth would James be apologizing for?

James sighed. “I know I give you a hard time about Phil. Honestly, I’m just jealous because you two seem to be so important to each other. That’s my issue, though. I didn’t realize that Phil had his own stuff going on that he confided in you about, and I’m sorry for pestering you to hang out with him less. He’s your friend, and I should trust you.”

Dan bit his lip. The irony of James’s apology was painful, stabbing between Dan’s ribs. “Oh, god. Um. Okay.” He pulled in a deep breath. “James, I’ve been…” He swallowed. “I’ve been cheating on you with Phil.”

James stared at him. His lips parted and he took in a sharp breath. “Oh,” he said.

“I’m so sorry,” Dan rushed out. “I know that it’s a jerk move, and I was being a total coward and an absolute tosser and literally the worst. I just—I’m in love with him. I have been since we were kids and I—I was in love with you too, I—”

“Was,” James said quietly, looking at the floor.

“I’m sorry. I…I’ll go. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better, and I’m so sorry. I should have told you. I—I should’ve left, I just—” 

“How long?” James asked, voice shaking with frustration as he looked at the ground.

Dan swallowed. “Almost three months. I...I’m sorry. I was a coward and I didn’t want to have to face what I’d been doing.”

James shook his head, chuckling bitterly. Had it been any other man, Dan might have been unnerved by the reaction, but he knew James. James would never hurt him. He would never lose his temper, or make Dan feel unsafe. The reminder of that made guilt twist in Dan’s stomach because he was stood there having done something to James that James would _never_ have done to him.

“No. It’s my fault,” James said, a bit exasperated. “I thought you’d eventually pick me. Fucking stupid.” He shook his head. “I hope you and Phil can get your shit together,” he said.

“I really am sorry, James,” Dan said. “You’re such a good guy, and I never deserved you. You’ll find someone who does.”

A selfish part of Dan wanted to stay, to explain himself, to apologize. To tell James how the guilt had been eating him alive, how his feelings for Phil had been terrifying him for years, and how he was just a massive cunt who didn’t know how to deal with feelings. He wouldn’t, though. He didn’t need to. James could deal with this however he wanted to. Dan would always be the bad guy with him, the cheater, and that was okay. That was how James would move on, and Dan wasn’t going to risk hurting him any more than he already had.

“Yeah,” James said, tone bitter. “I will.”

He would.

“Goodbye, James,” Dan said softly. “Thank you for, uh, for everything, really.”

“Bye, Dan.”

Dan gathered his things, the few of them that he had at James’s place, and walked out into the brisk February air. 

He cried. He couldn’t help it. He’d always been a crier, and he hated endings. Even when they were for the best. 

But Dan had a new beginning waiting across town in a small flat by the university, and he wasn’t going to fuck this one up. He was going to be better for Phil. He had to.

~•~•~

_outside. let me up_ -DH 

Phil sat up in his bed, hurrying to the door to buzz Dan up. When Dan made it to the door, practically sprinting up the hall, Phil was waiting with bated breath. He opened the door to see Dan, holding a backpack, with tears on his cheeks.

“Dan!” Phil said, alarmed by Dan’s tears. He let Dan in and shut the door behind him.

Dan dropped his bag on the floor. He looked up at Phil, meeting his eyes, and smiled a bit. Another tear slipped down his cheek. “Phil,” he said.

“Yeah?” he answered, uncertain. “Are you alright?”

“Phil,” he said again. He laughed breathily, reaching up to wipe away his tears. “I…I just got back from James, and he definitely totally hates me for being an asshole now but…” Dan reached to take Phil’s hand. “I’m yours, Phil.”

Phil looked down at their hands and back to Dan’s eyes. He heard the words. They repeated themselves in his head, and they sounded like fantasy. But Dan had said them. He must have been quiet too long, because Dan began to pull back. 

“If you want that, I mean. I know it’s been crazy, and I’ve been an ass, but I…” Dan trailed off, meeting Phil’s eyes. “What?” he asked. 

Phil gave his answer in a kiss pressed softly to Dan’s lips. They kissed for a long moment, Phil pulling Dan into his arms. 

“Dan,” Phil said in a breath when they finally pulled back. “You’re mine.” 

Dan smiled. “I’m yours,” he repeated, and it had never sounded so good to be exclusively _had_. He wanted this. He wanted Phil. He only wanted Phil. “I love you,” he said before moving in again to press his lips to Phil’s. He pulled back and pressed a kiss to Phil’s jaw. “I love you,” he said again. He peppered kisses down Phil’s jaw and to his neck. “I love you.”

Phil couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. Awestruck laughter mixed with the breathy moans that he let out when Dan began to properly kiss at his neck. “I—ah—I love you too.”

“I know,” Dan murmured. “I know.” Another tear slipped down his cheek. “Want you,” he murmured. “Can we?”

“Yeah, yeah, definitely.” He pulled back, reaching to wipe the tears from Dan’s cheeks. “But, um, did you—did you wanna talk about it? Like, that must’ve been hard with James.” 

“I think I’ve talked to you enough about James, haven’t I?”

“If you want to talk about it, I want to listen,” Phil said. 

“Phil, that is literally so sweet but I really just wanna fuck my boyfriend, please.” 

Phil seemed lost for a second before grinning. “That’s me,” he said. 

“Yeah, nerd, that’s you.” Dan stole one more kiss before taking Phil’s wrist and leading him back to his own bedroom.

“We’re boyfriends,” Phil said, stupidly giddy. “I’m your boyfriend.”

Dan rolled his eyes, but grinned when Phil gathered him up against the bedroom door, lips finding his neck. He gasped in surprise and pleasure, throwing his head back and hitting it against the wall. “Fuck,” he cursed at the pain, giggling afterward at himself.

Phil laughed in a low and mildly amused chuckle, particular to himself. One which Dan had often mocked, and more often adored. “Don’t get too excited, now,” Phil teased.

“Shut up,” Dan replied, voice already a bit breathless.

Phil kissed back up his neck, kisses growing slower and more purposeful. He was trying to wind Dan up, to get Dan desperate. Dan was already desperate. He became desperate the moment Phil touched him, as he always had. 

Phil made it back to his lips, taking them in a new sort of way. Dan melted into it, allowing Phil to kiss him, to lead it, to press his tongue past Dan’s lips and to take whatever Dan was willing to give him. Which was everything, if he’d asked Dan. Dan would give him _everything_.

Phil moved more certainly than Dan had ever felt him move. He took Dan’s lips, pulled Dan closer. Dan could cry with how much he wanted Phil, and with how good his certainty felt. Phil of secondary school had always been hesitant, always waiting for Dan to change his mind, the way that he so often did about everything. Phil had been even more hesitant knowing James was sat at home, getting so much less of Dan than Dan was giving to Phil. Now, though. Now, Dan thought he had finally done something right. Phil was sure of his movements, of himself, and that meant he believed it when Dan said that Dan was his.

When Phil pulled back, Dan met his eyes.

“Fuck me,” Dan breathed.

Phil nodded, surging in to take his lips again. This kiss quickly turned heated, Phil’s cold hands moving up Dan’s back, beneath his shirt. Dan began to grab at Phil’s shirt as well, so they both pulled back, tugging the garments over their heads before finding each other’s lips again.

“Oh, God,” Phil said, through the kiss, in an odd sort of way. As if something had just occurred to him.

Dan froze, pulling back. “What?”

Phil shook his head, grinning. “Nothing, sorry, it’s just—I just realized that I don’t have to, like, stop myself from saying anything now.”

Dan smiled a bit. “What d’you mean?”

Phil was grinning like an idiot. “Like, I was kissing you, and I just thought ‘god, I _love_ him,’ and then I realized I could _say_ that. So, god, I _love_ you.”

Dan couldn’t help but let out a giggle. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck, fingers threading through the hair at the base of Phil’s skull. “You’re so _stupid_ ,” he said, voice coated in fondness. He pulled Phil in by the head to kiss him again. “I love you too,” he breathed. “Like, properly, I do.”

“Mm, properly?” Phil asked pressing Dan back against the wall once more. This time, his thigh found its way between Dan’s, and Dan whimpered softly at the direct pressure against his crotch.

“Yeah,” Dan breathed. “Like, proper boyfriend, would do anything for you, want to spend my life with you, mad horny for you, love.”

Phil giggled. He buried his face in Dan’s neck and moved his thigh against his crotch. “Mad horny?” he asked.

“Yeah, mad fucking horny, Phil, and I’d appreciate if you would— _ah_.” Dan was cut off when Phil moved his thigh against Dan.

“You want me to fuck you?” Phil asked.

“Yes, god,” Dan breathed. “Tell me how you want me.”

Phil kissed Dan on the neck again, dragging his teeth lightly over the skin, making Dan shiver. “However you like.”

Dan shook his head. “No, no, tell me. I’m yours. Want to be,” Dan answered, already a bit gone with it all. Sex with Phil was always amazing, but it was much more amazing now. There was no more guilt. There was no more shame. There was no more holding back expressions of genuine love. Dan felt so good, and they’d barely done anything yet. “Love you,” he tacked on to the end because he could. He sort of wanted to make up for all the times he should have said those words.

“Alright,” Phil said, voice soft. “Take off your jeans and get in bed. Wanna get you ready for me.”

Phil was going to get Dan ready for him. He was going to open Dan up with his fingers, so Phil could take him, fuck him, as he had done on quite a few occasions. This would be different, though. Phil had _all_ of him and he wanted Phil to take it. To have him. God, he wanted to give himself over entirely, because he was finally free to do so after years of his own fear holding him back.

He nodded, reaching down to unbutton his jeans. Phil stepped back to strip his own sweatpants off, realizing that he definitely looked like a mess, still. Dan didn’t seem to mind. His eyes flickered over Phil twice before he climbed into bed with a bite of his lip.

Phil followed after, climbing over him. Dan grinned and Phil leaned down to kiss the grin from his lips. Dan chased his lips when he pulled away, and Phil smiled, eyes feeling a bit teary. He kissed Dan’s neck again, trailing kisses down to his chest. He sucked a mark just below Dan’s collar. Then another. Then another. Dan’s hands found their way to his hair, and he tangled his fingers there. He flicked his tongue over the nub of Dan’s nipple, and Dan’s hips bucked upward into Phil. He whined.

“God, you’re pretty,” Phil breathed, continuing to make his way downward with his kisses. “Look at you. You’re so pretty,” he said again, reaching Dan’s stomach. He kissed just above Dan’s belly button and looked up at him.

“For you,” Dan found himself replying. “Only you. All yours.” He wasn’t sure if he was reassuring Phil because he wanted Phil to know, or just to make himself feel better.

“Yeah,” Phil replied. “Yeah, love. All mine. Just mine. I know,” he promised.

“Good,” Dan breathed. There was something about this sort of intimacy, about sex, that made it easier to lean into the vulnerability. Dan and Phil had always communicated through sex, during sex.

“I’m yours too, yeah?” Phil asked, dropping a kiss just above the waistline of Dan’s pants. Then, quieter, “You want me?”

“Always want you,” Dan promised.

Phil blinked a few times, trying to let the emotional moment pass so they might recapture the heat that had slightly waned. “Want to make you feel good,” Phil breathed, tugging Dan’s boxer briefs down by the waistband.

“You always do,” Dan answered.

“Fuck,” Phil breathed, leaning his cheek against Dan’s hip and closing his eyes for a second. It was overwhelming in a way that he wouldn’t have expected. He’d always had Dan, even on their worst days he had a part of Dan. Now, though, he had all of Dan, and it was _so much_.

“Please,” Dan breathed. “Want you.”

Phil shifted his focus back to kissing over Dan’s hip, and pulling down his boxers. He left them around Dan’s thighs, too impatient to pull away and let him kick them off. His cock laid half-hard against his thigh, so pretty. Phil pressed a kiss to Dan’s hip, then to his thigh, then to the skin just beside his cock.

He licked a stripe up Dan’s cock, and Dan’s hips twitched. “ _Oh_ ,” he breathed, when Phil took the head of his cock between his lips. “Phil,” he whined, and Phil sank down onto Dan’s cock properly. He moved slowly, fighting his gag reflex, encouraged by the whimpers and whines that Dan let out when Phil took him deeper. He pressed his tongue flat against the hot flesh as it grew stiffer.

“Phil, please,” Dan whined, not entirely sure what he was begging for.

Phil pulled off, reaching to the bedside where the lube was now stored. He’d moved it there once Dan had begun staying over more. He nudged Dan’s legs open a bit more, sitting on his knees between them. He covered his fingers with lube before bringing them to Dan’s puckered hole.

Dan adjusted himself so that his legs were bent and his bum pushed forward. Phil took the opportunity to press a kiss to Dan’s knee before pressing the pad of his middle finger to Dan’s hole.

“Hurry,” Dan murmured. “Want you.”

Phil hushed him quietly. “Have me. You have me.” He pressed his finger into Dan slowly, and Dan had to remind himself to breathe.

Dan was a bit impatient. They had the rest of their lives to take it slow, as far as he was concerned. Dan wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, not anymore. Even just Phil’s finger felt so _good_ and he wanted more.

“Another?” Phil asked softly, glancing up to meet Dan’s eyes.

Dan breathed out a soft laugh. “Please,” he answered.

Phil pressed a second finger in alongside the first, siding them in with ease. Dan threw his head back against the pillow, spreading his legs a bit more. Phil pressed the pads of his fingertips against the sides of Dan’s hole, sliding in further. He curled his fingers, pressing against Dan’s spot.

Dan gasped, muscles clenching around Phil’s fingers. “Phil,” he breathed, reaching to touch Phil’s arm.

Phil smirked, pressing up against the spot again. Dan dropped his hand to touch his own cock where it laid hard against his stomach, whining softly.

“Fuck, Phil, more,” he breathed, eyes falling closed as he bathed in the pleasure. His hips jerked when Phil quickly slid in a third finger. 

Phil teased at the area around Dan’s spot, taking pride in each soft breathy moan his movements elicited. He worked to ready Dan for his cock.

He let himself enjoy fingering Dan open for a bit. Dan stroked his cock slowly while Phil’s fingers slid in and out of him, occasionally pressing up against his prostate. He whimpered softly. His eyes were closed, his head thrown back. He looked gorgeous, and Phil wasn’t sure he could wait much longer.

“Good?” Phil asked, and it took Dan a second to realize what he meant.

“Yeah, yeah, shit,” Dan breathed in reply. “Want you.”

Phil’s fingers slid out, and Dan barely had time to whine before Phil was removing his underpants and sliding on a condom. He felt the tip of Phil’s cock nudging at his entrance, dragging across, teasing. Dan held his breath as Phil pressed in, moving slowly, and leaning over Dan. Once he’d bottomed out, he looked up to meet Dan’s eyes.

Dan grinned and bit his lip, contently overwhelmed with the sensations and the emotion. They stayed still for a moment, just looking at one and other. Phil’s hair fell into his face, and his lips were parted as he breathed slowly, focusing on remaining still. He ducked his head and pressed a kiss to Dan’s neck, another to his jaw, and finally one, long, against his lips. Dan kissed back almost desperately.

Dan snaked a hand between the both of them to find the lube as they kissed. Phil finally pulled back, breathless. Dan reaching to lube up his hand and take his cock in a fist, before letting his head fall back against the pillows. “Move,” he breathed.

Phil pressed a kiss to Dan’s chin and gave him a grin before slowly beginning to fuck into him. Dan giggled at the kiss, letting go of his cock to wrap his arms around Phil’s back.

Phil quickly picked up the pace, and he began to just slightly brush up against Dan’s spot with each thrust. He kissed and bit at Dan’s neck as he moved, and Dan couldn’t help the breathy moans that he gave, despite the possibility of one of Phil’s roommates being home.

“Fuck, Phil,” Dan breathed. He reached to tug one of his legs back and whimpered as Phil sunk in deeper.

“Dan,” Phil answered, between kisses. “God. I love you,” he said, slowing down a bit as he fucked Dan deeper.

“I—ah—I love you too,” Dan breathed, wrapping his legs around Phil.

One arm wrapped around Phil’s back, Dan moved his other hand back down to fist his cock. He squeezed his legs around Phil and squeezed his eyes closed, as the pleasure began to take over his senses. Phil grunted against Dan’s neck, and he reached a hand up to thread his fingers through Dan’s tangled hair.

The tug at his curls pushed him right up to the edge and Dan whined, moving his hand faster and faster. He barely had time to choke out Phil’s name before he was finishing, ropes of cum dirtying the sheets, as well as he and Phil.

“Fuck,” he breathed.

Phil groaned against Dan’s neck, slowing his movements. He pulled his head back up, pressing a kiss to Dan’s lips. “Dan,” he breathed.

Dan reached his clean hand up to Phil’s head, pulling him down by the hair. He pressed his lips against Phil’s ear. “Cum in me,” he murmured. “I’m yours.”

Phil bit down on Dan’s neck as he came, something Dan had gotten well used to by now. He fucked Dan as he came, tensing, before letting his body relax. He rolled off of Dan, lying on his side beside Dan on the too-small bed.

Dan turned to look at him, scooching away to give him a bit more room as they caught their breaths. He couldn’t help but grin, and Phil gave a breathy chuckle in reply. Dan wiped his hands off on the sheet, tugging it off too wipe up the mess on each of their stomachs. He lazily tossed aside the sheet, figuring that a proper shower and laundry could wait for a bit.

Placing the lube back in the bedside, Dan noticed something else in the drawer. Grinning, he grabbed the lighter and the joint. “Is this a strategically placed after-sex joint?”

“It’s a strategically placed insomnia joint,” Phil said in reply, rolling over onto his back.

“Well. It’s a sex joint now.”

“Don’t call it a sex joint—”

Dan flicked the lighter, holding the joint between his lips and lighting it.

“Dan!” Phil sprung out of bed comically quickly to open the window across the room, and Dan couldn’t help but burst into laughter, coughing as he did. Phil flailing to go open a window while arse-naked was quite the sight.

“You’ll set the smoke alarm off,” Phil whined, returning to the bed.

Dan managed to gather himself while Phil settled back on the small bed, squishing himself against Dan. Dan grinned with the joint between his lips and he took another purposefully long drag. He handed the joint to Phil, who frowned.

“You’re the worst,” he said, taking the joint anyway. “Why do I even hang out with you?”

The question brought Dan back to giggles. He was lying in bed beside Phil, as he had done countless times before. This time, the question was absurd. This time, the idea of not being together was absurd. Everything felt silly and warm and perfect, and he tucked himself into Phil. Smoke billowed into the air, and Dan couldn’t manage to care about the smoke alarm across the room. Phil handed him the joint once he’d managed to control his laughter again.

“Because I’m fun,” Dan answered. “And you love me.” He took a drag.

“You love me, too,” Phil said.

Dan smiled. “Then it works out, doesn’t it?”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr [@truerequitedlove](https://truerequitedlove.tumblr.com) and [@midnightskydan](https://midnightskydan.tumblr.com)


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